Today's post is a true story from my reader Akanksha who is quite regular in reading and commenting on Womanatics. The beauty of the story that you see woven in words is given by Rashmi, who is the new co-author on the blog and who has previously penned What is Sex post on the blog. I hope you enjoy the post. Read, share and comment!
As a story teller the hardest part is to find the beginning of the story. If you think about it does a story have an absolute beginning? Our lives are like a woven fabric of stories, each knit connecting another.
I guess that’s why all the fairy tales began with once upon a time… I guess that’s what stories are, a moment in time, when in a blink of an eye everything changes…
It was a cool month of October, hazy dull in the air, bare trees stretching out their branches in the cloudy dimmed sunshine, when I noticed his light blue shirt standing out in a blurry of grey.
Like always I was late for college and was rushing past the crowd trying to juggle my laptop bag and books. As I was hurrying up the stairs I suddenly noticed him, what struck me was his calmness, his sense of aloofness from the chaos around him. For a moment time stood still, it was just me and him and a blurry of figures rushing past in the background. Our eyes met. My heart knew I had fallen in love.
My head kept rationalizing, “how could this be?” “You just saw him!” “You don’t even know who he is!” “This is absolute crazy!”
But my heart didn’t need answers.
Later in the day I found out he was a faculty member at the college and to make matters worse he would be teaching my class!
It is very difficult to look studious and interested in class when you are besotted by the teacher! I don’t think I could pay attention in class because even though I was in class I was lost in my world where there was only him and me. His smile, intelligence and sense of humour would sweep me of my feet!
Most of the times I would find myself staring at him, and even when our eyes would meet, it was not awkward but beautiful and natural.
I would take extra study class of his subject so that I could be his favourite student; I remember being really overwhelmed when once he called out my name in class. I don’t remember what he asked me or what I replied, I just remember thinking “He knows my name!”
After I left the college, I too like everyone else exchanged numbers and facebook invites. I gave him too thinking probably in future we could connect in a different situation.
He was always on my mind even after I started working; I never really stopped thinking about him. A nighttime ritual was to check my texts, facebook updates, and refresh, re-refresh!
And one day my wish on a falling star came true. There was a message on my facebook from him. Even though it was not his declaration of undying love for me like I always imagined, but a friendly "how are you?" "what are you doing?" We started chatting on facebook and soon exchanged numbers.
We would talk quite regularly and soon became friends.
As time passed I looked forward to our conversations, even though we spoke about regular stuff and nothing personal, just the fact that I could hear his voice speaking just to me and that he was listening to what I was saying was more than enough for me. I knew I loved him and knowing that I loved him with all my heart was enough for me. It was not right for me to expect a return policy on that. Just because I loved him he need not love me and I understood that. We were friends and I didn’t want to sabotage that relationship.
It’s been 3 years since my college farewell, when I last saw him. I remember his eyes. I can never forget those eyes, with so much depth and soul, twinkling when he would laugh and a sea of calmness when he would be lost in thoughts.
The last time we talked he told me he was going to Bangalore for two months and that he could not call me during that time. On Valentine’s Day I found him online on Facebook so I wished him "Happy Valentine’s Day" he did not reply so I wrote "If you wish me it will not represent anything" Finally he replied "Thank you" I noticed his location on Facebook was showing that he was back in town.
That night I called him, and heard a busy tone, after an hour he called me back, as we started talking I casually asked him where he was and he replied that he was in Bangalore. Hearing him lie snapped something inside me, I just couldn’t take it anymore, and I couldn’t do this to myself anymore.
“I don't care where you are, you don't exist in my real life, you belong in my virtual life” I screamed at him. There was silence on the other line, all I could hear was my heart pounding. “Ok” he said and cut the call. I never called him after that.
I was angry with him that he had lied, but later I realized that he didn’t have to tell me the truth either. Who was I in his life? And what I had blurted out in my peak of anger was true; he didn’t exist in my real life, the concept of him was in my head. I was in love with a man who didn’t love me; our relationship was not on equal terms. My heart loved him and my head was making him to be more than what he really was.
Later I questioned myself. Why did I react the way I did? Did I really have to scream at him? Was he wrong if he was trying to hide his location from me?
Maybe he was not wrong in what he did. To each his own. He didn't have to tell the truth to me. BUT I knew and I had realized that he didn't have to lie to me either.
Why did he lie? Not because he didn't have to tell the truth.
Being truthful to the people around, to your friends, is the basic virtue of friendship. He breached that. He lied because probably he knew I had feelings for him. He lied because he didn't want to give up on me. He knew I was head over heels for him and he liked me swooning over him.
He lied because he didn't want me to know the truth. He didn't want me to walk away from him. He wanted a girl to keep having feelings for him. It was a great ego booster for him.
I am not trying to console myself or trying to say that he had feelings for me. I know he never did. But that is what explains his behaviour. If he didn't have the feelings at all, why did he lie?
He wanted me to be there in his life as an extra. And it was a win-win situation for us. It plumped his image of himself that he was wanted, badly desired by somebody. And on the other hand, I was happy with whatever little alms I was receiving from him. Unless, I stopped being that extra.
I was caught in the tangle of head and heart, where my heart longed and my head rationalized. The heart wanted him to know my feelings for him were true and real and the head just wanted us to be friends and even there it was skeptical.
Have you been in love with someone who didn't respond with the same feelings? Let me know in the comments.