Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Sex in the Marriage: How Important is it?

Sex is actually important in marriage

This is one question that surely gets men and women divided into two groups.

When asked, men immediately respond - very important! and women say, 'not very important and certainly not the most important'. Infact, some women may even claim it to be not important at all. Though there are exceptions all around, lets come to face it - Sex IS important in any marriage. How much? It depends.

Before getting on with the discussion, let us get this straight.

Men need to have sex to feel close to their mate while women need to feel close to their mate to have sex.

Different Perspectives

People in west view sex differently from easterners. Similarly, men and women in urban India look at sex much differently than how a conservative Indian talks about it.

This post takes the mindset of an urban Indian working woman but in the comments section, you can add your views. And if you do not want to speak publicly, please choose 'anonymous' profile and no one would come to know about your identity. Not even me.

Men, Women and the Sex

Like I said before, this is one thing that clearly carries different meanings among men and women.

To men, sex is not just about pleasure, it is also about power. Sex inflates their ego like anything. Men are not good at expressing themselves verbally so making love is a way of their expression. They need it to be shown that their wife is attracted towards them. They need to be proud of their virility. So, to men it is just not about love. It is also about prowess.

To women, sex is an act. They need to be caressed, kissed and loved. It is mainly a way to deepen their love for partner, while in contrast, to men it can be even a plain way to shoo the stress away!

Since in a marriage, both a man and a woman are involved, we can say that sex is needed to strengthen the emotional bond and also to drive the rifts and stress away.

Sex or Love?

Men say sex leads to love and women say love leads to sex.

But whatever leads whichever, one thing is sure. A marriage with love without sex can survive but a marriage with sex without love can not survive.

If you do not have enough sex in your marriage but both the partners love each other and are intimate with each other, the marriage lasts longer. But if you have enough sex but little intimacy or very little love and respect, your marriage may not withstand the test of time.

Sex leads to intimacy

Undoubtedly, one thing that sets marriage apart from a committed relationship is sex. Though we can not say this about relationships in today's times where sex begins the relationship.

Making love after a fight actually dissolves the issues and sets upset moods right. You are talking love and think about your first meeting with your spouse and you both feel strongly for each other.

Sex brings a closeness that is beyond words. It relaxes you, puts you in tune with each other, and smoothes over all the everyday trials and tribulations,’ says Rochelle, who runs a dating agency with her husband.

If its not important then what is the deal about infidelity?

Someone once asked me 'we always keep saying, it is not important. But if it is really not important then why do we make a big deal of it if the partner strays away'? I think its a valid question. In marriage, you are not allowed to sleep with someone else. This means sleeping with your partner is something that exclusively you have the right to.

But there is more to life than sex

It is established that sex in indeed a very important part of one's marriage. But yes, there is much more to life and a relationship than just sex.


In final words, sex is the vital component in a functioning relationship, but it doesn’t have to be incredibly frequent. A couple just need to know they have those moments of intimacy which only they share, and which binds them together.

(pic source: stock.xchng)

37 comments:

  1. Nicely put Surabhi. I do not have any practical knowledge :P but I do know people who go for extra marital affairs even when everything is going fine at home (at least it seems to). I really could not find out what makes them go for it.

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    Replies
    1. Hi Nidhi..

      extra marital affairs can have many reasons. Sometimes its the physical pleasure and sometimes the emotional need.

      Delete
  2. I agree to the perspective you depicted for woman,it is importnat but not that important to marry just for Sex.Love should lead to sex and not the other way round.Although it bring two individual way close but its not the only way to be close to someone.ZFor a female emotional bonding and support is way far ahead than physical closeness to someone.Extra marital affairs not always happen for Physical satiation but also for emotional support.I think this was one of the bold article I read and I appreciate it .

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  3. Realy one of the best article .......

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    Replies
    1. I am really glad you liked it. Thanks. :)

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  4. Very well written Surabhi.. I really like your way of expression..

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    Replies
    1. Many thanks Tanvi.. and glad that you stopped by..

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  5. Nice Article Surabhi.. Especially the line "A marriage with love without sex can survive but a marriage with sex without love can not survive..." 100% true :)

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    Replies
    1. Hey thank you and thats what I believe in.

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    2. Nice article and captures the importance of sex in marriage. Although I agree with the statement that marriage with love can survive without sex, it is important to note that sex plays a big role in improving intimacy between the couple hence strengthening love and has a greater role to play in the initial years of the couple while gradually being replaced by more love than sex in the latter years of a couple. So the importance of sex in improving intimacy and building love during initial years of the couple can't be denied.

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    3. I think this is what I tried to say in the post. Sex is very important, undeniably. But I still feel love is the one thing that binds two people together for life!

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  6. I wanna smile... for a lot of reasons :)

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    1. Beee.. temme the reasons for the smile.. and I would smile along with you :D

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  7. Though me not married, still i agree 1005 with you! Its good to be out with such bold topics!

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    1. Thank you so much Manya.. and I hope you will stay around. :)

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  8. Nice Article Surabhi.. :) Though i'm not married,its very helpful indeed very knowledge able one... which all shuld knw... :) thanks for such a nice write up.. :)

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  9. Hey Atlast ... I could manage to leave a comment on your blog ... must say lovely blog and I am a follower of it :)

    Akhila

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    1. Hi Akhila..

      Thanks for stopping by and commenting on the post. Stay around. :)

      Delete
    2. Nagakiran CunchalaApril 25, 2012 at 12:49 PM

      Well, looks like I'm the only guy here to comment. ;-) Nice article Surabhi. But I have my doubts on the line

      "A marriage with love without sex can survive but a marriage with sex without love can not survive."

      Sex is the surest way to show that 2 people like each other. If there is lack of sex, the relationship dies just like how a plant without water dies.

      Delete
    3. Aah.. Naga.. so good to see you here and what you said is typically a man's version. My hubby was also of the same opinion :|

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  10. I don't agree with Nagakiran, marriages can survive without sex. I am pretty sure about that.
    Surabhi, you have really good and well-thought out writing in here.

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    1. Hi Coral, I am very glad you left a comment here. And yeah! I am also of the opinion that marriages survive without sex and that is the reason, people stay happily even after 50 yrs when practically many of them have zero sex life.

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  11. nice article ................

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    1. Thank you Swadha.. and I think your name is pretty nice.. :)

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  12. I hope its not too late to comment here. Though I m a girl but I agree with Naga's comment. Sex gives you a secure feeling that ur partner is connected with you and strengthens ur emotional bonding too.

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    Replies
    1. You are never too late here to comment on any post Wafa.. :) and keep coming back. :)

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  14. Appreciating the spirit of the article.Most of what you mentioned is what actually happens in marriages.
    But could you throw a little light from a wife's perspective why sex is diminishing from marriage.
    Is there any way to rekindle sex life since it makes the bonds stronger. Why dont women talk about this to
    their husbands rather than pretending to be sick, busy and out of mood. Why do they stray away from communicating.
    Is it because of shyness or hatred or any other emotions which she could not convey to him.
    What is the solution if your son says that his wife is not interested in sex any more. What is your advice to him?
    Do you still think it his way of exerting his power over his wife?
    I would love to know the real reason behind sex deprival in marriages so that we can find a solution rather than blaming each other.

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  15. Awesome post on this topic. Just love it.


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  16. I do absolutely disagree with the statement on marriages lasting without sex... Being a foreigner in India, I can only assume that this can only be the point in India, where people are practically scared to admit their failed marriages and stay in these marriages because of the fear of public judgement and humiliation the separation or divorce can allegedly cause. Hence, Indians keep smiling and try to make everyone think their marriages are fantastic and there is love. I have been in a relationship with Indian men and I have close Indian friends and I do clearly understand how these things work. And when you see an Indian couple, you can't even imagine what hell their life can actually be, but it's better to think there is love, that's why they last. Some of my male Indian friends (Indian article, Indian prospect) have been in extra marital relationships for years, regardless love or arranged marriage. And as it's been noted in the comments, reasons differ. Physical, emotional. I'll tell you, in most cases I know, it's emotional. I believe many Indian women are totally unaware of what their men actually want. A woman who doesn't know what her man's emotional needs are doesn't really have a nationality. But, being in India, I'm surprised to see it so much.

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  17. Surabhi, I liked it. I think both husband and wife do not understand the true impact of sex.When it is just a act to satisfy your animal instinct it never strengthens your marriage life. But when love leads to physical intimacy it creates magic to your marriage. It is the cementing force of married life.

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    1. HI, you just nailed it. You very well summarized my view when you said, 'When it is just a act to satisfy your animal instinct it never strengthens your marriage life. But when love leads to physical intimacy it creates magic to your marriage.'

      Thanks for writing in. Please keep visiting :)

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  18. TIPS FOR COUPLES

    - Be honest: Let your partner know what you want and don't want. Don't avoid the conversation and pretend you're tired and want to go to bed. Your partner knows.

    - Ask: Talk about how often you want sex. Your partner may feel pressured about how often you would like sex.

    - Offer alternatives: Sometimes initiating a foot rub or cuddle on the couch can warm your partner up for greater pleasures.

    - Take matters into your own hands: Pleasure needn't always be a group event. A discrete session can help to satiate a physical appetite.

    - Spot the difference between intimacy and sex: They can combine, they can be separate - learn to differentiate between the two.

    - Recognise your true needs: Often sex is used as a barometer for the health of a relationship. Investigate if a mismatch in bed means you're not matched as a couple.

    - Add a third person to the mix - a therapist: Some mismatched drives need help from a third party. If you're concerned, start counselling with a sex or relationship therapist.

    Or the best Mrs Surabhi Surendra.......!!! :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Aha! Anonymous.. you have given me the BEST comment ever! :D You should comment more often.. would love to hear from you and to know you as well.. :D

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    2. Wow Thanks..! But I am surprised to see a lady giving time to her blog when her husband is back home after a long time......./// :D

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    3. Ha ha ha.. yeah, thats my loyality for my blog.. :D

      Delete

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