Slight possessiveness in every relationship is natural and desired. But when this slight possessiveness becomes over possessiveness, the relationship starts decaying. There is one partner who is always watching his/her partner and the other person feels bound, trapped and even sucked.
While there is a clear distinction between natural and over possessiveness, it largely depends on the person being possessed as to how he or she sees this possessiveness. Some might have a problem if their partner asks their where about just a little too frequently, while some get bothered only if they get more than 10 calls in a day from their partner. But whatever is the case, no one wants to be tracked down for every moment they spend away from their partner.
How to decide if he is just possessive or over possessive?
Simple. Ask yourself. Like I said before if doesn’t matter how psychology books define it. It is just about you. You are uncomfortable with his behavior and since you have to spend a lifetime with him, you must talk to him. But there are few things that clearly define the outburst of extreme possessiveness:
• Calling up every hour
• Getting suspicious at the very mention of the name of someone from opposite sex
• Not allowing you to spend enough time with your same sex friends
• Asking for email, Facebook passwords
• Constantly dictating terms on you like what to wear, where to go, who to talk to etc
If your guy shows symptoms of any of these, then yeah you in a controlled relationship.
How to deal with it?
Over possessiveness is a sickening behavior. One has to look deep within himself or the partner to understand the origin of the problem.
The two main causes of this kind of behavior are insecurity and a troubled childhood.
Insecurity arises if one partner feels inferior to another. There are many cases when there is a major difference in the two people’s looks, education, job, family background etc. In such scenarios, the partner on the lower end feels insecure and hence tries to cope up with it by attempting to control the partner.
Often, the controlling partner has a troubled childhood. In your childhood if one of your parents had an extra marital affair, chances are you would grow up to be wary of your partner.
If your parents pretended to be happy in front of others and were sad or silent in absence of outsiders, you knew there were faking the happiness. And most likely, you would develop the same traits or if your partner becomes happy or gets all perked up in company of others, you relate it to how your parents did and you would feel your partner is not happy with you.
There are many such instances where the roots of such behavior are planted in the childhood. So, the first step towards curing this situation is to try to understand your partner’s initial upbringing.
• Talk it out with your man and hear out his childhood stories. They would give you an insight into what he experienced as a young boy. If you feel, he was not given enough attention; you know what you need to do.
• If he gets suspicious when you talk to other men, do not make the mistake of shouting at him. Never. Instead, tell him very politely that you just made a courtesy conversation with him. And still if he extremely displeases such conversations, try to avoid them as much as you can.
• Relationships improve with time. Atleast that is how it should be – growing with time. Give it time. Do not take any haste decision. Spend quality time with your partner. And more than that, hear him out. If you listen to him without any distractions, he would feel wanted and loved. You wont believe how much my talkative husband (who otherwise seems very silent to others) talks with me. He tells me almost everything and I so much enjoy hearing him out. Sometimes I feel I do not get a chance to express myself as most of the times he keeps talking and I do not get an opportunity to tell my things, but then I feel very proud of the fact that he feels so comfortable in talking to me and this keeps it going.
• Find out his language of love. This is one thing I feel is probably the most important in all relationships. Find out what is more important to him and give him that.
• Praise him, appreciate him, encourage him and support him. One compliment each day will give him the boost he needs and he would feel desired and encouraged. Know how to love him.
• Do not ever compare himself with you if you think he has an inferiority complex, and whenever you do, make sure to keep him on the upper edge. Tell him how you admire him and how you think he is so much better than you.
• Finally, you have to make him feel loved. I understand many a times we express our feelings but our partner does not really get it that way but then it is our responsibility to make them feel loved. Maybe what we give is less for them. Find out ways to please him. But love him and let him feel it.
If you are doing all of this and your partner shows no signs of improvement, consult a counselor.