Ask Womanatics: Problem with Mother in Law

This week I have two questions for Womanatics.

S asks -

Hi Surabhi,

    Glad to have stumbled upon your blog. Loved reading about relationships and marriage especially.  My husband and I are married for 5 years . He is the youngest in his family and has been excessively pampered and babied from childhood. I am more of a practical person who calls a spade a spade. While he wants someone to always appreciate him and glorify him, I probably give him more of a reality check. We have had so many arguments, fights. We still have the basic love for each other(which is kinda strange that we are still together after all the fights). The biggest problem in our marriage is his Mom. Her intrusion, letting me down, making him feel that I don't care, I don't do chores, I am not responsible blah!!!! I work, come home, take care of the kid, cook, clean and still if there is something that didn't occur to my mind and he does that, she sympathizes with him so much , like I eat and sleep all day. We shifted houses when I was pregnant because I couldn't travel with the nausea etc, so now he has a longer drive than I do, to get to work. She made a big fuss about it, when she was here with us for 6 months. Everyday she would ask him," You are late, you must have gotten stuck in traffic. You had much more peace of mind and easier life when you were in old home...." That way, its like I have to feel guilty for making travel a wee bit easier for me. I don't have my office in my backyard either. I have to travel 25 mins(before shifting it was 1 hr). Things like this , she has been saying and giving him an idea that I am the selfish wife. He takes his Mom s word as the final call in everything. I feel so distressed, unimportant and its very stressful to fight for my rights, for my voice and opinion to be heard ALL THE TIME. A woman gets married to feel loved, like the most important person to his Man. I have never had that in my marriage. MIL has been in our life all the time. She stays in India, so far away, yet she influences my peace of mind so much. I have to get into an argument with my husband, cry and weep over a small opinion that I would like to get done. And what I get in return "that I want to control everything. not a family girl...." etc. His sisters NEVER call me to say hi , yet his Mom blames me that I don't keep in touch. I tried to for the 1st couple years and gave up, because they never called and it was me talking all the time. Having said so much, here is my negative point- I am very sensitive and short tempered. Every time his Mom infuriates me , I make it "OBVIOUS" to the husband that I am pissed. I complain about her to him. But what else do I do? She takes advantage of this, cries, and acts like she is the victim. How will I let my husband understand my situation and know that his Mom is freaking mean minded to me. she may be an angel Mom, but definitely not an angelic MIL. Please help.

Another question from a reader about her mom-in-law

My MIL stayed with me in the US for 6 months and I almost went into depression. The thing is she will(most times) not play the rude person. Instead, she will act sorrowful and depressed, so that her son thinks that its me who might have annoyed her. She is this silent killer who influences him against me. I have absolutely no idea how to let her know that I am his wife. She intrudes in every single decision we make for our kid, her birthday etc. I feel so suppressed and unimportant in his life. I feel sorry for him because he is not very peaceful with being pulled on 2 ends. And I dont want to give in to her dominating nature either. Am I wrong?


Hi,

Thanks for writing to Womanatics.

I understand how it feels when someone tries to blame you for every small thing and as a wife, you don't find your position in the family. Mother-in-law and daughter-in-law's relationship is a little difficult to maintain in some senses. A woman, after her son's marriage, wants to reclaim her position in her house which, she thinks is being threatened by her daughter-in-law.

This is like a tug of war. Two women trying to claim their position as the head or the running head of the family. In such a situation,it indeed gets difficult to maintain a balance but it is not impossible.

First, both of you need to understand that there is no problem in the world that can not be solved or sorted out if you truly wish to solve it.

Coming to the first problem - you say your sister-in-laws never tried to call you or say hi to you on your own. I know how it feels because I had the same issue initially with my sister-in-law. But later with mutual efforts, I not only sorted it out, today I and my sister-in-law are like best friends. And I genuinely like her and thank God for giving me a sister-in-law like her. Initially it was me who used to call her often, I hardly got calls from her. And whenever she called, she wished to speak to her brother. It initially bothered me but later I decided to work on it. Through my husband I had known that she is basically a nice person so I made up my mind to refine and improve my relationship with her. We started talking regularly and I tried to hear her out and understand her as an individual. Once I did that, I asked her why didnt she call me initially and I was surprised at her reply. She said she was hesitant to talk to me as she thought that I might find her too intruding and consider of her as a bumpkin! I was stunned to hear that and felt so sorry for her. Also, I realized that maybe I did not come across as an approachable person to her.

The point here is that you first need to figure out how you want this relationship to be. If you want to be formal with them, be and let them be too. If you wish for an intimate, close friendship like I did, then work for it. I always emphasize on the fact that in order to win over your in-laws, you first have to win their hearts.

The first step towards this is to win your husband's heart. Take your husband into confidence. Win his trust. Make him believe that your intentions are right and you would never hurt him or his family. Genuinely try to get along well with your in-laws. Once your husband believes you, he would defend you and when your in-laws see their son standing by your side they would never dare to bad mouth you.

In my case, my husband stands beside me like a solid rock. He never lets anyone bad mouth me and nor he criticizes me ever in front of others. And I think that is the key. Since my in-laws know he truly appreciates me as a person, they have aligned themselves as per my thoughts and I have done the same too.

Your husband has to play the role of a fulcrum here. Talk to him and explain your situation to him. If he does not understand then your first step should be to improve your relationship with your spouse.

You may also like to read these -

How much I wish I had a mother-in-law
Problem with in-laws
How to solve my problem with in-laws

Hope these help.

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