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Let me blame it on Hollywood flicks starring Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks as the perfect 'the one' mate for each other or call upon our desi bollywood romantics of Rajs and Rahuls, each one of us is obsessed with finding 'THE ONE'.
But that is the problem. We set out on a odyssey to search for someone who does not even exist!
I get lots and lots of questions about 'how do I find the one made for me', 'is he the one', 'but what if he is not the one', 'do I have someone made only for me' and many manime I hear or read such questions, I sigh and wonder 'who was the first person to bring in the concept of having 'the one' person in your life'!
But I understand what and how we, particularly women, feel when we say we want to get married to the one. When I was single and until I got married, I kept re-iterating the same statements whenever anyone in my family popped up the question of marriage to me - 'I am looking for that spark', 'how can I marry someone I don't even know', 'Esmein wo baat nahi hai' etc etc.
I had come to believe that maybe I possessed some magical power within me that would give a green signal to me whenever I would meet that miraculous, sparky 'the one' of my life. And to my surprise that magical power actually gave me green signals several times. Just that whenever I got the signal, I acted upon it only to realize that no, someone better is waiting to come next. I spent about 5 yrs of my life like this. My dad started looking for matches for me in 2004 and I finally got married in 2009.
When I first spoke to my husband (my would be husband then) I didn't approve of him immediately. Though I was impressed with some of his qualities, I was disheartened to know that he was a tight lipped person who claimed he could live for months without smiling even once! I got to leave this for later.
But slowly and steadily, when I spoke to him a little more often, I realized what a great person he was and I decided to get married to him. We go married in straight 3 months' time.
My family and friends often tease me about my lectures on sparks and stuff and all I can do now is blush! :D
Thing is that when we are not clear of what we actually want, we leave it onto something mystical. Something like a spark, chemistry, compatibility, made-for-me stuff. Since there is no scale to measure these factors, the entire thing remains mystical.
I agree many a times we like a person instantly while other times we do not like a person at all. Though both of these people may be called good, nice people at heart. This happens because of a cluster of reasons. Our mindset, his mood, the ambiance, our current life status and much more.
I am an Aries and you would know how impulsive Aries can get. I believe in love at first sight. But when it came to marriage, I decided to lean on my mind more than just the eyes and the heart. And I am so glad I did.
No one is THE ONE. We have to think about him as the one and we have to make him the one. It works just like any other relationship in your life. When you first met your best friend, you believed you have met the friend for life. But with time, you make new friends, meet more interesting people and even though your best friend is still your best friend, you know that your other friends are also very important to you.
People who focus on finding just 'the one' mate are making the mistake of focusing too much on the person. Marriage, or any relationship, won't work just because of the people. It works mainly because of how much you work on the relationship. If your 'the-perfect-made-for-me' partner does not give you enough time or starts abusing you later, you would call the marriage off. That time the initial spark or the chemistry won't stop you from leaving a toxic relationship.
So, focus on the relationship. Take away from attention from the person per se, and pass it on the life and to the relationship, This would make any common man 'the one man'!
All the best!