Here is a question from a reader.
I am a big fan of your blog. Eagerly looking for your advice. I am currently dating a guy, he is the all I can ask for, he is caring, compassionate,
understanding...he values my opinions, respects me a lot, never forces for anything. But the biggest problem is his FIRST LOVE. She left him, lied to him and cheated on him. It happened 6 years ago when he was in school, after that he dated two girls. He does consider them as his friends. I have no problem with that.
All I am concerned about is his first love. He was just too attached with her(first love). Initially I really pitied his situation. I think he is a lovable man and very kind and I love him. But now, the more he opens up about his past, the more I am getting into that pit! I feel paranoid.. thinking things like maybe he still thinks about her, is still attracted to her. I really hate this feeling, what can I do? Even his sincerest I LOVE U does not help! Are we on the right track?
I had a carefree life before, I just miss it with all these thoughts bothering us. I and my boyfriend have been happily together for 6 months now, of course we have had some problems along the line but we have grown very strong and close because of it. But I have been struggling with dealing with his emotional baggage more so now than earlier in our relationship. He still feels uncomfortable when I talk about her. Sometimes he miss her and hates her at the same time. He says that nobody forgets their first love ever. He still has her pictures. I don't think I can open my heart completely to him, if part of his heart is still longing for her. I am really confused. He is very supportive when it comes to my career or
any decision which I want to take. I don't want to loose him. I want him to love me the way I love him but at the same time I don't want to be his second choice.
I once read it somewhere that 'a man wants to be a woman's first love but a woman wants to be a man's last love'. I think its true and I certainly feel that way. I won't mind if Sanjay ever tells me about his first love, if any, but I would surely kill myself if he tells me about a new woman in his life or if he tells me that he loves someone else after he has loved me.
Going by the above, I don't understand why you are so much uncomfortable to accept the fact that he loved somebody else before he loved you. First, just plainly accept that he was once in love! Trust me, there is absolutely nothing wrong if your man loved somebody else before you.
Second, when you have admitted that he was once in love, you have to get comfortable with it. This happens only when you show trust in your relationship. For this, you need to first find out if his past is creating problems! This generally happens when the ex lovers keep in touch and regularly meet etc. In your case, your boyfriend and his ex are out of touch so what is it that you are paranoid about?
She wouldn't come back into your life unless your boy friend drags her. If you see this happening, you should be cautious else it is just fine!
I think you are getting into a cycle of hurting yourself. He must have spoken a bit passionately about her and you thought he still likes her. You goaded him to speak more or tell more about her and you panicked. The more he tells, the more you panic. The more you panic, the more you ask about her and the more he tells. You need to break this cycle, dear.
You say you both are in love with each other. I am very happy to know that he values your opinions, respects you and treats you with equality. That's lovely.
Do not treat your relationship like trash for someone else who is mighty too far away to cause any kind of ripples in your lives.
Trust him. Let him open up. Give a silent and patient ear to him. Also, I dont think that first love can't be forgotten.
If you ask me, I really can't tell you who was my first love! I have long forgotten :P
Cheer up, focus on the present and leave the past behind. Forget and forgive it.
If you have any personal query that you would like me to help you with, please feel free to share it with me. I would be more than happy to help you to the best of my abilities.
(Pic Source: Unknown)