Ask Womanatics: Boyfriend Treats Me Badly

10:35:00 AM

Question: There is a time when you dont know where to go and whom to reach out to. Hence, I am writing to you. 

I like a guy, my family knows about him and is against him for common petty reasons like family background etc. He is 22 and I am 24. His family is okay with us. My problem is not my family's opposition but my boy friend' behaviour. He is short tempered and always vents out his anger upon me. I love my parents a lot and for him, I have to fight and stand up against them which makes me emotionally upset as I know I am going against them. I reach out to my boy friend for emotional support but he instead gets angry, shouts at me, says stuff about my family and finally stops talking to me. 

I literally have to beg him to talk to me and its not always easy because many times he says some really mean things. I have a double whammy here. I fight with my parents for him and he doesn't acknowledge it and instead says many hurtful things. When he is angry, I keep silent and silently bear what all he showers upon me because I know if I utter anything, it will come as more hurtful to me. I send him multiple messages and call him relentlessly but he doesn't reply. 

The result is that I withdraw from everything and everyone. My work suffers and I am left in tears. 

I understand his behaviour as well as I know he loves me too. 

He is sweet and caring and loves me but he is very moody. His mood swings a lot and that creates the problem. Biggest issue is that when he is upset, he just refuses to talk and that creates a void for me. He just blocks all modes of communication. I beg him to talk to him. After legions of calls and messages, he responds. When I explain him the issue in detail when he is ready to listen, he understands, regrets his behaviour, says sorry but he repeats it again. 

The condition is so worsened now that I am always in a fear about how he will behave next time. 

I can't leave him. I don't want to leave him. But I also can't tolerate his bad behaviour. I don't want him to leave me in drain when I need him the most. What should I do? 
                                                                                                                      ~ Helpless Lover

Dear Helpless Lover, 

I would ask you to re-read your last lines couple of times and then ask yourself - do I want to be with a person who leaves me alone when I need him the most, that too in the very initial years of our relationship? If this is how he is now in a time, when people are mostly swooned by new found love, how would he be couple of years down the line? 

I am quite sure you would get an answer that you wouldn't want to accept because you say you don't want to leave him. 

My suggestion - leave him immediately. Not just for yourself but also for his welfare. 

(Pic Source: Cosmopolitan)
One, he is too young. He is just 22, a recent college graduate. And this mostly explains his erratic behaviour. He does not understand things the way they are. 

Two, though you sound matured but not enough matured for I can see you pushing your own life in a wrong, sad direction. 

How do you know he loves you? He sends you gifts on V-day and your birthday. He says 'I love you' to you several times a day (but when he feels like it, not when you need the words the most). He has told his parents about you. You guys have become intimate and now you have made yourself believe that he loves you and would be guilty if you decide to leave him.

Is there any other reason that makes you feel loved by him? I doubt. If there is, please let me know for the reasons are very important. 

He withdraws his non-existent emotional support the moment you reach out to him. He says mean things to you (even if its in anger) which means that he does feel what he says. He doesn't care if you need him or you want to talk to him, he talks to you when he wants to. He does not care for your parent's sentiments and he does not mean it when he says sorry. 

I now have major doubts if he loves you at all. I think you two are just adamant to make it work even though you are not sure if its worth it. 

I would suggest you to reconsider your decision to be with him at the first place. Second, give more time to yourself to know what kind of life and a life partner you want and are worthy of.

Love is that understands. It lets you be you. It is always there when you need it.

If at all you still have to be with him, then talk to him and tell him that his unreasonable behaviour will lead to a breakup. 

I would also suggest you to become a little more emotionally strong. You do not have to leech onto him for support. Do not make yourself so vulnerable that others begin to mistreat you and then  blame you for it. 

You deserve much better. Remember to hand over your precious life to someone who knows it true worth.

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  1. Helpless Lover,
    Always remember "No one can make you feel inferior/bad/ without our consent." Marriage is about love, trust, understanding, respect and communication. Of these, apart from love which you think he does, everything else seems to be missing in your relationship. Before you think of marriage, reflect on why you wish to marry him ? Why are you tolerating his bad behavior? Why are you always adjusting so much in this relationship. Be honest and I am sure you will get your answers. Unless you love and respect yourself, how can you expect anyone else to love/respect you? We cannot change others but only ourselves :-) So my advice would be please work on your emotional growth before you even think of marriage. All the best. Rgds.PK

    1. PK.. you said what I couldn't say to her. Thanks for saying that. I too wish she grows emotionally strong and learns to be self dependent.

      How have you been? Its been quite sometime. You should come here more often.

  2. Surabhi, I can't think of a better answer than yours. I can feel the pain of that girl :( If she wants to stay happy forever then she should follow your words otherwise she is ruining her life herself. I know thats very very difficult but she has to grow up emotionally. God bless her.

    And Surabhi I have sent u a mail please check :) love you ;) :*

  3. Thank you Surbhi so much for so well understanding and answering
    I really cant thank you enough

    I was not always so emotionally dependent
    I have given so much just to make my relationship survive and it being not appreciated or reciprocated
    Has just left me in an emotional wreck state
    I agree with you all that i have to be emotionally strong...
    Thats the only way to swim through this

  4. Hi, I just read the post. Helpless lover, stand up for ur self and leave him girl. NO TRUE LOVE MAKES ANY OF US FEEL BAD. See I see a typical conservative female behind this. I had a friend who was just like you but if you are not like how i assumed to be then sincere apologies. If you are, then let me tell u this. Leaving a boy will not make u any thing bad. You will still be a good girl. Your parents have stood by you for so many years. Never argue with them or fight with them for anyone. No good boy will make you do that. He is so young and at 22 no one takes long term decisions. You are young too. Give it a break and concentrate on ur family and career. Things will fall in place. All the best :)

    1. Hey Raji, how you doing? Such a well thought answer. Thanks for writing. When someone loves you, he accepts you and respects you for what you are. If that doesn't happen, then there is something wrong with the relationship.


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