Question: There is a time when you dont know where to go and whom to reach out to. Hence, I am writing to you.
I like a guy, my family knows about him and is against him for common petty reasons like family background etc. He is 22 and I am 24. His family is okay with us. My problem is not my family’s opposition but my boy friend’ behaviour. He is short tempered and always vents out his anger upon me. I love my parents a lot and for him, I have to fight and stand up against them which makes me emotionally upset as I know I am going against them. I reach out to my boy friend for emotional support but he instead gets angry, shouts at me, says stuff about my family and finally stops talking to me.
I literally have to beg him to talk to me and its not always easy because many times he says some really mean things. I have a double whammy here. I fight with my parents for him and he doesn’t acknowledge it and instead says many hurtful things. When he is angry, I keep silent and silently bear what all he showers upon me because I know if I utter anything, it will come as more hurtful to me. I send him multiple messages and call him relentlessly but he doesn’t reply.
The result is that I withdraw from everything and everyone. My work suffers and I am left in tears.
I understand his behaviour as well as I know he loves me too.
He is sweet and caring and loves me but he is very moody. His mood swings a lot and that creates the problem. Biggest issue is that when he is upset, he just refuses to talk and that creates a void for me. He just blocks all modes of communication. I beg him to talk to him. After legions of calls and messages, he responds. When I explain him the issue in detail when he is ready to listen, he understands, regrets his behaviour, says sorry but he repeats it again.
The condition is so worsened now that I am always in a fear about how he will behave next time.
I can’t leave him. I don’t want to leave him. But I also can’t tolerate his bad behaviour. I don’t want him to leave me in drain when I need him the most. What should I do?
~ Helpless Lover
Dear Helpless Lover,
I would ask you to re-read your last lines couple of times and then ask yourself – do I want to be with a person who leaves me alone when I need him the most, that too in the very initial years of our relationship? If this is how he is now in a time, when people are mostly swooned by new found love, how would he be couple of years down the line?
I am quite sure you would get an answer that you wouldn’t want to accept because you say you don’t want to leave him.
My suggestion – leave him immediately. Not just for yourself but also for his welfare.
|(Pic Source: Cosmopolitan)|
One, he is too young. He is just 22, a recent college graduate. And this mostly explains his erratic behaviour. He does not understand things the way they are.
Two, though you sound matured but not enough matured for I can see you pushing your own life in a wrong, sad direction.
How do you know he loves you? He sends you gifts on V-day and your birthday. He says ‘I love you’ to you several times a day (but when he feels like it, not when you need the words the most). He has told his parents about you. You guys have become intimate and now you have made yourself believe that he loves you and would be guilty if you decide to leave him.
Is there any other reason that makes you feel loved by him? I doubt. If there is, please let me know for the reasons are very important.
He withdraws his non-existent emotional support the moment you reach out to him. He says mean things to you (even if its in anger) which means that he does feel what he says. He doesn’t care if you need him or you want to talk to him, he talks to you when he wants to. He does not care for your parent’s sentiments and he does not mean it when he says sorry.
I now have major doubts if he loves you at all. I think you two are just adamant to make it work even though you are not sure if its worth it.
I would suggest you to reconsider your decision to be with him at the first place. Second, give more time to yourself to know what kind of life and a life partner you want and are worthy of.
Love is that understands. It lets you be you. It is always there when you need it.
If at all you still have to be with him, then talk to him and tell him that his unreasonable behaviour will lead to a breakup.
I would also suggest you to become a little more emotionally strong. You do not have to leech onto him for support. Do not make yourself so vulnerable that others begin to mistreat you and then blame you for it.
You deserve much better. Remember to hand over your precious life to someone who knows it true worth.