Dear Surabhi,
How are you? I read your blog and I like all your posts very much. For quite sometime I wanted to write to you regarding a problem. I am seeking for an expert advise.
There is a guy in my office who likes me a lot and understands me and my thought process completely. He wants to marry me. I also like him but don’t love him the way he does.It’s just that I want to be with him because no one understands me and my thoughts better than him. So I told my family about him.
My family says that his family background is not good as his father expired when he was very young. In his family, he only has his mother with not much interference of any relatives. According to my family, what if he changes after marriage and starts troubling me. Since he doesn’t have many elders in his family, no one can make him understand things.As far as his education and package is concerned, my family has an issue here as well. We both have same educational background with same package.
My family says that he is not an extra-ordinary guy as far as education and package is concerned too.
As per my family, he can start troubling me for money and all. But I know he is very calm and cooperative guy. I don’t understand how should I make my family understand this.
It’s not that I love him. But I know him for last three years. I never see him smoking, or have never heard of him engaging with people who booze or party a lot.So I feel with him I will be happy.
Besides as my family wanted, I met some boys. I found no boy was concerned about me, my career or expectations. They just wanted a girl who can cook well, go on a 9 to 5 job, keep his parents happy. That’s it. I don’t understand what should I do. Please suggest.
Dear,
I read your question and while I agree with you that this guy does seem like a nice man, I am also able to understand your parents’ thoughts. They are worried about the control factor. Since it is just his mom in his family, your parents are rightly worried that there would be no one to tell him the rights and wrongs of life to him. If in case, he wants to take up a wrong decision, there would be no one who would control him or press him to turn his decision (we all assume that men hardly listen to their mothers).
Your parents are a bit right in what and how they are thinking but the problem is that they are looking at it from only one angle. They fail to see that things would not change if a man has a father alive and lots of other relatives too but he is too adamant and shows disrespect to others. In this case, having parents and relatives is of no help.
Second, parents generally worry about a bigger family thinking it might make their daughter’s little world uncomfortable. So, going by this logic, smaller the family, the better.
To cite my own husband’s example, he lost both of his parents when he was very young. He did everything on his own. So, sometimes I also get such thoughts that what if he picks up some bad habit in future etc, there is no one who I can complaint to. But then immediately I feel that even if there was someone, would it matter if my husband takes a decision based on others’ orders?!
Suppose your guy has parents and relatives. Would it be nice for you if he does not trouble you for money (as per your parents’ apprehension) just because he knows his parents won’t approve? Or would it be nicer that he does not ask for anything because he is a principled and good human being? The latter ofcourse. And the latter is irrespective of the fact whether he has parents or not.
So, I suggest that you talk to your parents and tell them to pick a man for you based on his inner qualities, the characteristics that make him the kind of man he is. The focus should be more on how he feels about certain issues and how he treats life and family and less on what his life and family is made up of.
Also, such situations and tragedies like early demise of parents, often make a person more responsible, compassionate and sensitive. People who get everything sometimes lose the sense of their importance which does not happen with a person who has faced the lack of something or someone important.
In the mean time, I would also suggest you to go and talk to this man in detail. You said you don’t love him the way he does. Are you sure you want to marry a man you don’t love? Or do you know for sure that he really wants to marry you?
Just go on, be a little more open and talk to this man. Try to understand him more. Talk to your parents in detail. Try to arrange a meeting between both of them. If you are concerned about your parents’ decision, then try to meet his mom and tell your parents about her.
Basically, if you are sure about yourself, you will find a way to convince your parents! 🙂
All the best. I love to hear from my readers. So, keep me updated!
If any of you have a problem or want to share your thoughts or seek an answer in Ask Womanatics section, please feel free to drop me a line using the contact form or email me at surabhi at womanatics dot com. I always maintain anonymity of the sender of the question.
If you enjoyed this post, kindly spread the word and share it using the buttons below. It would not only encourage me to do better, it would also help in spreading a little love around. After all, it is good to share!
i also think that this thing matter that he has lost his father, some times this kind of situation makes a man more responsible.
as far as same education and package is concerned.. happiness in relationship never counts on such things.. it is much more than salary or education, it depends on understanding between you two and the commitment.
i you think who to complain if he does something wrong… then please explore him and your relationship more.
let me tell you about me and my husband's relationship.. it was an arranged marriage, but by the time we got married we were so close to each other that the only promise we made to each other was that we will never let any other person come in our relationship (not even our parents) and after almost four years of our marriage we are stick to it. believe me it you don't have the solution to your or your partners problem then no one in the world has.
so just explore yourself, your beloved and your relationship, it you are sure about it… then nothing else matters
it may sound harsh… but if relatives ans in-laws can sometimes be helpful it can be opposite too… so have confidence it yourself
ohh wow.. I just loved the comment. Your example is indeed extra-ordinary and a very positive thing. Can you do a post (in true story series) for Womanatics? 🙂 And after reading your comment, I even modified my answer by adding a few more point. Thanks for writing. 🙂
thanks surabhi… n i m also waiting to write for womanatics… i m just about to finish my thesis… after it sure 🙂
Hey Anonymous!
I totally agree with your comment that while parents and relatives are family, they can prove to be jodi-breakers quite a lot of times! Me and my husband dated for 4 years before marriage and were adamant on never letting a third person (family or friend) influence our personal decisions..though I wouldn't say we have ALWAYS stuck to this notion but most times we have and it pays off. In matters of marriage, the bottom line is clear – follow your instinct and leave the rest to god..again 'willingness to make it work' should come from both sides when a tricky situation arises (which does quite often after more than 6 years of marriage 😉
Awesome then.. am waiting to read your story. Whats the topic of ur thesis?
Shireen,
Very well said and I really like the idea you and a reader above said 'not letting a third person come in between'. It is indeed the wisest thing to do. Thanks for writing in here. I guess, the person who asks qns doesnt respond to comments so as to maintain the anonymity. So, I am replying to the comments.. 🙂
I second the 2 commentators above very well said Anonymous and Shireen 🙂
Though I am not married but I strongly believe that certain decisions and situations should be handled by the couple itself. Parents are always there when something Major happens, not that they are wrong but just generally to learn and make things easy in life stick to our own instincts.
You need to speak to the guy as well be open just speak whatever you feel, don't think a lot while talking just be yourself. This will hep you let loose in front of him and also clear your confusions 🙂 Once your confusions are cleared trust me you will get the strength to convince your parents 🙂
See if you can see your entire life with him, FEEL it, and go with your instincts 🙂
that's in the field of teacher education, entitled 'Development of Professional Ethics among B.Ed. Student Teachers'
Really a great answer and I completely agree with Surabhi's point.. 🙂
Dear Friend,
Personally, I think you should first be sure of what you want from your life before you or your parents expect anything from the guy you wish to marry.
Most of us are so focused on others and their shortcomings that we forget to look at our own self.
Being married for a decade I can only say marriage is a very sacred commitment between two people. What you give is what you get. If you sow love, trust, commitment in your relationship you will reap the same.
Each person wants a happy life, no one gets married to be unhappy or ruin someone else's life.
Any marriage that breaks is because the premise on which most people get married itself is shaky or their expectation from the other person is far to high. Marriage is about two people and unless they are committed and want it to work, trust me no one else will be able keep them together. We may think elders can be helpful, I would say not always, sometimes they are the ones who create the biggest rift between couples.
So my only request would be, explore and find out why are you ready to marry this guy, if you don't love him?
Once you are sure, trust me convincing your parents won't be tough.
Good luck
Rgds,
PK
Yes, when in doubt, ask! That's the best thing to do.
Glad Shivani you found it useful.
Okay, am sounding really greedy here but I am actually actively looking for stories. Married for a decade.. ! wow..! You gotta give some tips to the readers here. 🙂
So very well said.. the onus of making a marriage works lies on the two people involved.. and no one else.
Sure dear 🙂