What To Do When Your Ex Wants To Get Back
This is a question from a reader in Bangladesh.
Question: Hi Surabhi,
I am a reader of your blog from Bangladesh. I recently read your article ‘Keeping in touch with your ex: to do or not to do‘ and connected with the post. I am facing a similar problem in life and that is when I decided to write to you.
My ex girlfriend got married two years back. It was a forced marriage as she also loved me but her family didn’t agree. Actually, she didn’t let me reach her family. I wanted to send my proposal to her home but she was too scared and she stopped me from contacting her parents. I also tried to stop her wedding but she didn’t allow me to do that as well. I was very heart broken. I wanted to marry her but she was not showing any courage and finally she got married else where.
I was in a very bad shape after she got married. I used to miss her a lot and it affected my studies also. During the same time, my father was diagnosed with cancer. It was a traumatic time for me. But my weakness gave me the strength. I decided to pull myself up and not let my life go waste. It was my last year of graduation and though I was restless and broken inside, I worked hard and scored better CGPA. I got a job in a good company and thankfully, now I am doing very well.
Problem is after six months of her marriage, she began to contact me. She would text me, email me etc. When I blocked her number, she called from a new number or created a new profile online. I did not want to talk to her because I remembered how she did not let me even try for us.
Few times when we had a conversation, she asked me questions like ‘will you take me if I come back’, ‘do you still love me’ etc.
My problem is that I still have a soft corner for her. But I do not intend to get back with her because first she is now married and second she broke my trust earlier. But she is repeatedly trying to get in touch with me. This is badly affecting my career and it makes me upset. What should I do?
Answer: Dear reader, I read your problem and I am able to understand your state of mind.
I think the first thing needed here is a clarification from your end. You need to ask yourself about your wish. What do you want from her? First, ask clearly – do you want to get back with her if she leaves her husband? If no, then the story ends here. Just tell her so and she would also not build false hopes upon you. If yes (it doesn’t seem so from your email), then you can talk to her and discuss the matter.
But before you proceed, you need to think about few things.
1. Right now she is talking to you without her husband’s knowledge and this is cheating. Do you want to be a part of such play?
2. Even if she convinces you to marry her, because she knows you still harbour feelings for her, and you decide to marry her, do you think you can get past the betrayal you felt when she was getting married? How would you forget that the first time she did not even allow you to meet her parents?
3. How come she realized her love for you after six months of her marriage?
Looking at the above, I feel that maybe she just needs someone to talk to. Maybe she is not happy in her marriage. Maybe her marriage is not what she expected it to be (though this happens with every one and especially when girls get married in young age). As her good friend and a well wisher, if you are worried about her and if she has mentioned about talking to you, maybe you can just speak to her once and make her feel better.
Sometimes we just need an ear. A person who can hear us, understand us and tell us that he understands. Thats all.
I think she needs just that. Talk to her once, find out what is troubling her. What if her husband is abusive or if he is a cheater or if she is really in some kind of danger. If she is reaching out to you, then hear her out once. But do not get carried away. As her well wisher, tell her that marriage is not a fairy tale. If she feels sad because her husband does not buy her flowers everyday and then tell her that practically, no husband buys flowers every day.
Maybe she tells you her tale and you get emotional and decide to take your relationship ahead with her but remember, relationships that are born out of pity never survive for long.
Lend her an ear for sometime so that it calms her down and brings her back to reality. And once you are sure that she is not in any kind of danger or she is not suicidal, politely tell her that things are over between you and her and that she should not build castles in the air.
Hope this helps.
[Update: The reader has sent me an email stating that after talking to me, he called her and he found that she was simply feeling lonely and wanted to know if the reader still loves her. The reader told her that he has moved on and that was a set back to her. But he is glad that he made things clear from his end]