When you are in a committed relationship, you always want to build it on trust and truth is the backbone of trust.
But truth comes with consequences and at its own price. There are truths that are not nice to hear and that do more harm than good. Should these truths be spoken openly? I doubt.
Telling your partner about your past is like a pandora box. You open it once and it has questions coupled with problems erupting from it.
Men are known to have big egos. They really do. And it is because of this ego that it is highly advisable for women to not blabber a lot about their past to their man – any man.
You should not tell your partner about your past. and here is why.
- Keep somethings to yourself – A friend of mine once broke off with her best friend because he thought she knew all about him. Always try to keep few secrets only with you. You do not have to have a confidante for everything that you know. It is your life and you must know how to keep it. No one will ever understand your things better than you do. In order to be able to keep others’ secrets, first learn to keep your own secrets. So, be your best confidante and share your secrets just with you.
- He will judge you – No matter how innocent you were but if there was one ugly incident in your life, he will always judge you based on that. Even if he thinks you were innocent, he would now take you as vulnerable. If it was your mistake, you would always be treated like a culprit. So, save yourself from ‘emotional atyachaar‘.
- He will think you are loose – If you are planning to reveal your ‘sexual’ past to your partner, stop. No matter how many or how less partners you had and irrespective of how many girls he slept with, he would always associate your character with your past. If you had less partners he would feel you may be tempted later in the relationship to stray and if you tell him you had many, he would obviously think you are… loose!
- He will compare himself with your ex – You tell him anything good or bad about your ex and the dhum.. he falls in the comparison trap. If your ex was good, he would never think of himself as good enough and if you said your ex was bad, your partner would always find himself the best of everyone. Either way it is not a pleasant situation for you.
- It will go on for ever – Do not think you tell him once, he listens to you once and it is all over. Like PQR said, it will always be in his mind. Until and unless you tell the truth much later in a relationship without dwindling the foundation of trust, he would not be able to put it off his mind. And your past will keep recuperating every now and then. If not directly, indirectly; if not seriously then sarcastically. But trust me, it will be there for a long time.
- Does he need to know about it? – your number of boy friends, a mistake you made, you flunked in an exam, you betrayed your best friend or you had a sexual relationship with somebody. These are things that are too trivial but gain importance only when you talk about them. So, avoid these. When asked, reply politely, ‘honey, it does not matter as long as I am crazy for you’.
- You also do not delve into his past – whether you have a past or not, you should not dig out your partner’s past stories. Let it be buried. My best friend’s husband had a serious relationship in the past but my friend chose not to hear about it nor talk about it and that is the best thing to do.
- Keep the goods, erase the bads – forget everything – why, how, when, who.. just remember the good things. Your and his past is past! Let it go. Cherish the fond memories and erase the forgettables.
- Understand your partner first – if telling about your past is of utmost importance to you, first know your partner deeply. Understand him. Learn about his weaknesses. And once you are sure he would understand you, go and pour your heart out.
I hope this post helps you to solve some of your dilemmas.