It is easy to guess that it was my dusky complexion that gave me the inferiority complex. Among the about twelve girls in my class, I was the second most dusky girl. In a family of six girl cousins, I was the darkest of all. With a fair younger sister, my comparisons with fair girls became just too obvious and convenient to others.
Though I had people around me who told me how pretty I was because of my sharp features or how I resembled Sonali Bendre or Smita Patil, but these compliments made my journey just a tad bit better. A vast gamut of relatives and neighbors still had their doubts about my future which eventually meant marriage.
‘Fair is beautiful’ and ‘every man wants a beautiful woman’. This says it all. By the age of thirteen, I had believed that I was not beautiful.
They say beauty lies in the eyes of beholder. Right outside the herd of such traditional blabbermouths, stood my non-conformist mastermind father who throughout made me believe that I was good looking in my own nice ways.
‘Your heart makes your look good’ and ‘your words make you attractive’.
Guided by the above statements, I decided to not look at those who were ready with a beauty advice at the snap of a finger. Rather I decided to focus on me. On my strengths. On my definition of beauty.
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| That’s me in 2007. |
I grew up to be a polite and kind woman. I could make friends easily. I helped people by going out of my ways. Each time I helped somebody, I could feel an iota of increase in my self confidence.
I had shielded myself with my tricks and tips of looking okay in an arena of outfits, colors and styles.
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| That’s me in 1992 receiving a prize |
Things changed when I travelled to South India for job. I landed in Bangalore and I no longer felt outcasted or inferior. All around me I had women who had the same complexion as mine. I felt relieved to see that I wasn’t the ‘only’ dark woman in a group. Things improved when I had women complimenting me on my looks. I met a beautiful woman in Bangalore who is now my best friend. We shared a flat. Every morning, as I was about to leave for office and stood in front of the mirror to give myself a final look, she would say, ‘you look so pretty. Can we exchange our faces’? She was fair and that is why her compliments mattered to me, the most.
‘Kindness’, I replied to her.
Deep inside as I scouted for the answer, I realized my heart getting lighter, brighter and emptier. It was fast releasing the feelings of anguish and complex I had incurred over the decades.
A year later I travelled to Netherlands for MBA and there I had the men of my class complimenting me on my looks. A handsome, Spanish man requested me to never use scissors on my hair while a model looking French man flattered me by calling me the most beautiful girl in the class that had girls from all over the world. I never believed him though because I thought the long legged African girl in the class was the prettiest of all.
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| With my besties in NL |
I returned to India with a fresh outlook towards beauty. It was no longer about color. It was about happiness and radiance.
Fast forward to 2009 and I had men swooning over me. I suddenly wondered. What had changed? Not my skin color, certainly. It was my outlook. My confidence. My belief in my beauty.
I no longer craved and cared for people’s opinion on looks. My opinion was all that mattered.
In the early 2009, an arranged marriage proposal came my way. The man was handsome, fair and well settled. We met. Fell in love in the first meeting itself and finally we got married in three months time. He is an IAS officer and ours was a dowry less marriage, totally. A little baffled by his decision of marrying me (a non IAS) and not taking any dowry, I once asked him what made him fall for me. He lovingly replied, ‘when I saw your photo, I felt a connection with your face. You are the most beautiful woman I ever met’.
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| That’s me now – confident, happy and ready to experiment with colors, styles and outfits. |
So wonderfully u share ur experience..After reading this I couldn't stop myself frm cmntng.
Really very nice.
Stay blessed always.God bless u.
Thank you soo much. I am very happy that you liked it and also commented. Would be happier to see you often. 🙂
Hi Surabhi ,
I am a regular reader of your blog but commenting for first time …I love the way you share personal insights and experiences on many subtle but important issues . This article really struck a chord with me . Not because I have been a victim of this maddening "fairness" obsession , but in fact the opposite . I am , I suppose , what we Indians consider relatively "fair skinned" . But the constant obsession that people have over beauty and fairness has often made me feel embarrassed and even angry to a certain extent .
Let me give a few egs – We had gone to meet a new born girl baby of a family friend . While we were busy playing with the baby , her mother said in a mock baby voice – " Choti (implying the baby) kehti hai ki bhagwan ji mujhe bhi bade hokar Aunty jitna sundar aur gora bana do " I found that comment very odd . Similarly , when we go to my husband's home town , many ladies congratulate him and my mother in law for getting such a fair
daughter in law , "jaisa naam (Gauri) ,utni ho gori" etc etc kind of comments .
There have been so many other instances where people have appreciated me only for my skin colour and not for other qualities like being a working,independent woman or my qualifications etc . While earlier , like any other normal girl , I would feel flattered about being celled pretty and beautiful , but now , people appreciating me only for my facial appearances ,( which is actually nothing but god's gift and my parents' genes ) kind of disgusts me .
But I suppose we cannot expect anything better from a society where unfortunately the first thing most matrimonial ads usually demand is a "fair,good looking " girl (and many of these ads are placed by families of well educated boys ) . I have often seen dusky beauties being subjected to comments from unthinking relatives and shopkeepers – " ye color aap pe nahi jachega (this colour would not suit your skin) , further dampening
their confidence and self esteem . Even US presidential candidate Bobby Jindal has landed himself in a controversy by calling himself "tanned " ,as an excuse for his brown skin colour and hanging outrageously white portraits of himself to try and distance himself from his Indian roots .
Sorry for the long comment..Please keep up the good work . Would hope to contribute on your space sometime 🙂
Dear Gauri.. I am so happy to read your comment. Why don't you comment regularly? Please do. It is so good to meet a woman who feels the state of others. Also I know how it feels when people only focus on superficial aspects and refuse to do deeper into a person's personality.
Though I have overcome my inferiority complex but I am still sad at how people are obsessed with fair skin and other such things. Why don't you send your story on the same topic?
A beautiful post Surabhi!
How we feel about ourselves and what shines from our heart really is so important…
Thank you for the reminder…
Love Sita
Hi Surabhi,
As am from South India, I can correlate this post more.
If we take our country, generally people who stay in North India will have much fairer skin. The skin colour gets increased as we move down the geographical region from north to south. It all depends on the place where you are from. If the same person who is fairer in India, goes to western countries, he/she will be considered as the dark coloured skin. I think the colour of the skin is all relative to the region and to the people around you.
I have closely seen the life of my friend who is relatively dark in colour. She used to get comments from her own mother that "you are very dark, you will not get married etc". Because of these kinds of comments, the girls especially lose their self confidence. When they come to the marriage, they feel very much inferior. Sometimes, they even come to the decision to accept any kind of proposal for marriage though the bride/groom doesn't fit them. My friend, though she has done MS in US, working in US, she accepted a proposal who studied only bachelor degree. It is all due to the negative comments given by the people surrounding themselves saying "You should be lucky that at least they accepted for this marriage proposal". Now they are living a very happy life. All I could say is because of her beautiful heart, down to earth mentality and lots of caring for her family members.
Not only with the girls, the same thing happens even with the boys. I have a friend who is a boy having little darker skin. His parents insist him on marrying a girl with the fairer skin so that their next generation will be of fairer skin.
Though people have good education, very good job, self dependent, friendly in nature, helpful in character, many people don't consider all these attributes. They just focus on the skin color.
What I think is we should be more worried on the inner self, rather than the outer beauty.
After, coming to US, I have seen many people different colour – fair skin, medium skin, tanned skin, dark skin. But they are very much confident about themselves and the things they do. Every one is treated equally where they don't worry about the skin fairness.
I really liked it and this inspires me that we need to be confident on what we have, rather than focus on what we don't have !!
Regards
Sandhya
Thanks to you Sita for writing this comment. So happy to have you here. Love to you too!
Dear Sandhya, Your comment is bang on!!!! You are so right that skin color is just one aspect of a person's personality. It is not the core but many people choose to remain fixated on the color because of their prejudices. I am glad you liked the post and I wish people learn to look beyond the looks.
loved this article. your posts have a soothing effect . looking for more to come
Dear Mitha.. thankyou and I look forward to reading more comments from you. 🙂
Hey Surbhi, I know how you felt. Being dusky myself and born and brought up in a North Indian family, my relatives inscribed this in my brain that a 'fair' complexion is beautiful. I honestly don't even like the word 'fair', it sounds very unfair to me 😛 When I was in school I accepted that I am not beautiful and I spent most of my childhood playing in the sun and not caring about my complexion, for which I am glad because I was a very good athlete! I was the second darkest girl in my class too and my 'friends' used to point at new girls and say 'wow, look how fair she is', implying that fair means beautiful. Fair and Lovely ads didn't help either! Fortunately, my family has been very supportive and are not narrow minded like my relatives. When I hit 20s, some maturity dawned on me and I realised how beautiful my skin color is. I wouldn't trade my skin color for anything (like Kajol did 😛 ). I love it. Why? Because it is mine.
The truth is, these things hardly matter. It all boils down to a person's integrity, thinking and outlook towards life. For me, attractiveness comes through these virtues, look is the last thing on my list.
PS: I love that 2007 pic of yours! You remind me of Vidya Balan somehow 😛
Very inspirational ma'am. Thanks for sharing your experience 🙂
Hi Gargi.. so good to see you here. Welcome! 🙂 Oh yeah.. I know you can understand my feelings so much because you have lived it too. And you are so darn right about attraction. To me attraction is about a person's intellect and virtues. Looks are last for me too.
And so many people tell me that I look like Vidya Balan. I am only happier to hear that.. 😀
Thank you Saurabh. Btw, you share your name with my younger brother.
Awesome post.
I have a friend who has inferiority complex regarding her complexion.(She is pretty and smart girl)
She is in love with a guy(who she thinks looks far better than her)
Alas Unlike your hubby, this guy has never tried to make her rise above these feelings.
🙁
Hi.. its sad to hear about your friend. I think people around us have a lot to contribute to our lives. I wish her boyfriend learns this very soon.
Wonderful post.. I can relate myself to this alot as I have dark complexion with scars on my skin. Feels very bad, I hope I come over it soon…I try to keep my mind positive but when I see it, don't find good about myself.. what's the best way to change the mindset about it??
Focus on the good things about you and remember that skin is just one part of your overall personality. Also.. spend time with positive people who accept you the way you are and who do not make judgements about people based on their skin. Learn from my example. 🙂
Thanks Surabhi, Indeed your example is very inspiring. I will try and change the belief system.
Your website is very informative and user-friendly
Loved to read the articles 🙂
So glad to know that you like the blog. Thank you. Keep reading. 🙂
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Each person has certain complexes. writing editing services – edit-ing.services Inferiority complex – a negative view of themselves, often accompanied by low self-esteem and self-doubt.