Slight possessiveness is natural and desired in every relationship.But when this slight possessiveness turns into over-possessiveness, the relationship starts to decay. In such relationships, there is one partner (over-possessive) who is always watching his/her partner and the other person feels bound, trapped and even sucked out of her personality. Generally, the over-possessive partner wants to ‘own’ the other person and this makes him/her controlling in nature.
There is a clear distinction between caring and over-possessive behaviour. It largely depends on the person being controlled whether she has a problem with her partner being overbearing or she thinks it’s okay. Some might have a problem if their partner (or boyfriend or husband) asks for their whereabouts a little frequently, while some get bothered only if they get more than 10 calls in a day from their partner. However, whatever the case is, the fact is – no one wants to be tracked down for every moment they spend away from their partner.
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How To Identify Over-Possessiveness?
Like I said earlier, it largely depends on you. Are you okay with his behaviour or does it bother you?
I am of the firm opinion that in a relationship, any third person – parents, friends, relatives or even a marriage counsellor – can’t and shouldn’t decide things for you. It is your relationship (or marriage). He is your partner. You know him the best. It is your life. You know what you want from it. So, whether your partner or boyffriend is over-possessive or he is just a tad bit more caring is for you to decide.
However, there are few behavioural traits that can be comfortably categorised into abnormal and hence can be termed as over-possessive and controlling in nature.
- Calls Up Every Hour or Acts Like A GPS
You step outside your house without your partner. He calls you once to know if you have reached the destination. After few hours, he calls you again to ask if you have started from there to come home. He calls you once more to know your exact location or precisely to know how much more time you will take to reach home. This is normal, in cases when you are going to a faraway place or to an unfamiliar place or if it is a one-time situation.
It becomes abnormal if he calls you right after you step out of the house. Then he calls you minutes later to know if you have reached. Then he calls you several times to know if, and when, you started from there. And then again to know your location on way back home. Basically, it is abnormal if he is tracking you down like a real-time GPS application.
- Doesn’t Let You Be Friends With Anyone of Opposite Sex
Each one of us has some boundaries regarding our, and our partner’s, interactions with opposite sex. Sometimes we have problems with someone in particular. But not letting your partner be friends with any member of opposite sex is plain stupidity.
Your partner doesn’t encourage your interactions with opposite sex is different from restricting you from making any kind of interaction, let alone friendship. Maybe he doesn’t trust you or maybe he thinks you are too naive and others can take advantage of you. But if he has problems with any kind of interaction with anybody of opposite gender, then it calls for scrutiny and correction. Does he get suspicious at the very mention of the name of anyone from opposite sex?
- Doesn’t Let You Spend Time With Your Same-Sex Friends
Not letting you be friends with people of opposite gender can mean a lot of things. For starters, it means he comes from a conservative background or he doesn’t trust you. But this can be corrected as it only requires a shift in perspective.
But if he doesn’t let you be friends with same-sex people or if he restricts you from meeting your school or college friends, this means he is simply trying to control you.
- Asks For Your Email, Facebook Passwords
Does he want to know your passwords? All of them? Does he already know the passwords and checks your emails and/or FB account without your knowledge? If yes, I am sorry to say it is a sad state of affairs.
Knowing your online banking password is still understandable, particularly if he manages your password or if you have shared it with him. Same is with emails etc. If he knows the passwords because you told him, it is okay. But he shouldn’t be checking them without your knowledge. Logging into your account without your knowledge, to snoop into your mailbox to see who do you talk to etc is a breach of privacy.
- Dictates His Terms On Your Clothes, Travel Etc
Marriage works when the partners act in harmony. It is natural to pick clothes for each other, to tell your partner that you like him in some particular kind of clothes or to give your honest opinion on his clothes. But if you dictate your terms on him or if he dictates his terms on your clothes, it is suffocating.
I know men (and some women too!) who don’t let their partners wear clothes of their choice. In India, many men restrict their wives from wearing sleeveless tops or jeans or anything that they think is ‘inappropriate’ from their point of view. I was in a relationship once when my ex-boyfriend had problems if he found me travelling after 7 pm! He also didn’t approve of sleeveless tops. Well, that’s why the relationship couldn’t continue but I mean to say that I know there are men who dictate terms.
Every Relationship is Different
My husband is a civil servant. He likes me in Indian traditional clothes. He thinks I look prettier in Indian wear. So, of course, he wasn’t encouraging me to wear pants or jeans or sleeveless but he never stopped me from wearing them. Although he had laid out his terms – if I was attending an official gathering, I would wear Indian clothes. If I was travelling without him, I was free to wear whatever I wanted to. With time, things changed. Today, eight years later, I mostly wear western clothes whenever we go out together though I still wear Indian ethnic in official gatherings.
On the other hand, I am ashamed to admit that for many years, I would snoop into his mobile to check who he was talking to! I can be crazy, I tell ya! But this was in the initial years when we didn’t know each other too well. Moreover, every couple struggles with the challenges of marriage in their own ways.
It is difficult to view relationships objectively. There are so many soft factors involved – care, mutual understanding, affection, families, society, peer pressure, jealousy, a difference of opinion etc – that it is not easy to put things clearly in black and white. c
It all depends on how you feel about things. If you feel he controls you, then maybe he does. If you feel he isn’t over possessive even though he puts restrictions on several things including your everyday functioning, good for you!
For example – my husband was clear on clothing but he never asked me to touch feet of any of his family member. He never expected it either but I did it out of my own free will. Similarly, he didn’t want to accompany me to any social gathering but he never stopped me from attending any of them.
So, every relationship is different and you need it figure it out for yourself if your partner is over possessive and controlling or not.
Why Is Your Partner or Boyfriend Over-Possessive?
It is difficult to answer specifically but there can be a number of reasons.
In most cases, the urge to exert power and control over your partner arises from the deep-rooted feelings of insecurity, low self-esteem, inferiority complex, fear of rejection and lack of trust. The person who deals with these issues projects these feelings onto his partner in the form of control and over-possessiveness.
He does so to feel powerful because deep inside he feels powerless.
Troubled childhood is mostly the cause of such behaviours in adults. Children who grew up in an emotionally insecure, distant and abusive family are more likely to show such behavioural traits.
How To Deal With An Over-Possessive Partner or Boyfriend?
Over possessiveness is a sickening behaviour. It can kill a relationship and it usually does. In a relationship where one partner is not only dominating and controlling but also extremely over-possessive, there is no space for breathing and the other partner feels suffocated.
However, the cause of this trait of trying to control things goes much deeper than we can imagine. In some cases, it can be a result of plain incompatibility but in most cases, it is a personality problem and results from a combination of an insecure personality and inferiority complexes.
Insecurities and inferiority complexes are part of troubled childhood. And we will discuss this later.
For now, let us see the first, basic step to dealing with an over-possessive partner.
- Acknowledge That Your Partner Is Over-Possessiveness and Make Him Aware Of His Controlling Behaviour
We all have some degree of jealousy, possessiveness and insecurity in our close relationships. And a bit of these is actually healthy as it helps in keeping a spark alive and makes the other person feel desired. However, problems begin to surface when it becomes over-possessiveness.
So, the first step is to acknowledge that there is a problem. That your partner is over-possessive. If you do not acknowledge it and keep it under the cover of normal and caring attitude, you would only keep bearing a pain that could be resolved and something that you don’t deserve. None of us deserves to be possessed and controlled by another human being. It is against our fundamental right.
Now that you are aware of your partner’s over-possessive nature, it is time to make him aware of it. Of course, he wouldn’t believe you and might even accuse you of over-reacting but it is important to make him realize that you have a problem with his overbearing attitude.
Have an honest and open conversation with him where you use the ‘I’ language. Instead of saying – you do this, you do that. Say – ‘I am uncomfortable when you do this. Can you please stop doing it because it bothers me.’
- Talk Him Out Of His Insecurities and Inferiority Complex
What if your partner truly loves you but he is grappling with some serious issues like inferiority complex about his appearance or money or social standing? What if he only needs an extra dose of love and affection from you?
As a young girl, I dealt with a huge inferiority complex about my physical appearance. Today, as a 36 years old woman, I feel highly confident about my good looks. You can read my story of how I overcame my inferiority complex and learn how your partner can make you feel so good about yourself.
If you want to help your partner, and in return help your marriage, then try your best to talk him out of his insecurities and inferiorities. Does he feel insecure about his physical attributes like height or skin colour? Tell him that you find him irresistibly attractive.
He feels he doesn’t earn much? Tell him you are proud of his honest earnings, how small or big they are.
He thinks you are more qualified than him? Make him understand that even though you are more educated and qualified than him but you still chose to marry and love him because you regard him higher than yourself because of his wisdom, maturity and solid character.
In simple words, make him feel respected and valued.
However, do not fan his false ego as it will only harm the relationship in the long run but pay him the compliments if you think he deserves them.
- Make Him Feel Loved and Enhance His Sense of Self
Believe me, love has the power to change this world. And if love can revolutionize the world, it can change your partner and your marriage too!
It is the feeling of not being loved or desired by our partner that hurts us in some way and then we project these feelings upon our partner in the form of anger, jealousy, over-possessiveness and control.
Find genuine ways to express love to him. Every man wants to be hugged, gently kissed and appreciated. It is a highly misunderstood statement that men only want sex. Men want sex as much as they want to be loved.
Discover his love language. You can read about the concept of Five Love Languages by reading the book of the same name by Gary Chapman. It is a marvellous book and is a must-read for every couple. It has helped me immensely in my own marriage! I highly recommend it.
Work on building his confidence. Encourage him to do things he enjoys doing and he is good at. Invest in his personal and professional growth.
- Work On His Past
There are chances that these feelings of insecurity, jealousy and inferiority have their roots in his upbringing. Maybe he was always criticised by his parents. Maybe his parents expected a lot from him and he couldn’t fulfil those. Maybe his parents often compared him with other kids and in the process demeaned him.
If you believe he doesn’t hold fond memories of his past (and you can easily find that out if he often talks about critical childhood or a seeing himself as a failure while he grew up), try to tend his earlier memories.
Soothe his heart by making him understand that most parents only want the best for their kids and his parents too did the same. So, when they criticised him they didn’t necessarily mean to belittle him but instead, they wanted to show that they believed in him and thought he could do better. Moreover, tell him that a difficult childhood doesn’t mean you can’t have a beautiful future. Make him realize that by lingering onto his past and not letting it go, he is only making his present and future difficult for everyone around him.
I know these suggestions might sound a little stupid but we need to understand that things are different, and difficult, in India. Indian parents work very hard for their children and the society is built in a way that more often than not, it acts against its own people.
When a person is hurt by his parents or by how they treated him in his childhood, the best way is not to turn him against them but to rather make him understand that let bygones be bygones and that a brighter future awaits him and he can make the most of it only if he forgets and forgives the past.
- Show Him A Brighter And A More Beautiful Future
Tell him clearly that if he becomes a little more understanding and accepting of your nature, you will build a beautiful future with him that will be full of love and respect for him.
Nurture this thought in his brain and make him believe that you will love and desire him more if he changes his ways. Ask him to trust you without any suspicion and while he does that, you shower him with genuine affection, words of affirmation, quality time and warm hugs.
- Do Not Respond With Anger
I understand it is easier said than done. If your partner is unnecessarily suspicious of you, it is natural for you to get mad. But here is the problem. If he acts stupid and you act stupid too, it only becomes a cycle which is difficult to break.
Find out what makes him upset and slowly stop doing those things. Find out what makes him happy and slowly start with those. Give time to your relationship. Every relationship needs time to grow.
Sometimes, it is important and wise for us to take a moment, breathe and let the moment pass, instead of reacting to it immediately.
I will repeat, yet again, that every relationship, every marriage is different. You know best about your marriage than anyone else.
No one – man or woman – should live in an abusive relationship. If you feel suffocated and you have tried everything possible to help the situation but to no avail, then you need to look out.
Get him on a therapy. Consult a counsellor.
Its Up!!!! Thanks surabhi.. loved it very much. Now i know were i go wrong. i yell @ him when i find his talks bit suspicious..! and that leads to a huge fight. the cycle is "he shout-she shout-he shout-she cry-he nervous-she cries more-he consoles-she smiles" and back to square 1… 😛
Great Post !! Informative and nicely written.
http://asilykit.blogspot.in/2012/04/must-read-contemporary-romance-chick.html#more
Hey.. you must have guessed now that it was dedicated to you. And stop shouting at him, instead make him feel secured..
Thank you Swathi.. I checked out your link.. 🙂
yeah.. 😀 😀
Hi Surabhi…must appreciate your effort. I think you have got a good observation skill as well 🙂
well, I am here to ask you some suggestion…Recently I came to know that my hubby was in contact with his childhood friend 4 years back (i was newly married then)they came in contact with some social networking site and they continued for 1 year through chat and call.not sure how long they continued it and hw they stopped.Now they are no more in contact but now i am restless. Not able to think whom I trust more then myself (mine is luv marriage)how can he do that. when i asked him about all this he said he never ditched me and even his action was wrong but not the intention.he is still telling i am the only one in his life. feeling very broken…help..
Hi, First, thanks for writing in to me. 🙂 And I can totally image your feelings. In such times it feels as if the whole world has come down and cheated upon you. Can you send me an email with few details? And I will answer this (in detail) day after tomm in Ask Womanatics section. Right now, I can just say that trust has to be developed. You are married now and I am sure you want your marriage to work out so dear you have to trust him 🙁 I know it is difficult but just be a little strong and hold yourself together.
Send me an email. I will be more than happy to share your feelings.
Hi Surabhi…thanks for your such a quick response….I think you are not only good writer but you are a true human being who can feel the emotions of others. I am definetly going to write you mail and would luv to read your precious suggestion.may be i will feel little relieved after getting some words from you.
I will write you tomorrow mail and please dont forget to send ur such a precious reply.
Helpful post.. thank you!
Hi surbhi
i've been in a long distance relationship for 4 years. We hardly meet once in a year n that too not so well. We were childhood friends. My partner is overpossessive he's always jealous of all the people around me even my own parents and siblings. I've been really calm in understanding his problems all these years. Bt this time i've spoiled it all. I just let him know what all he said to me these past years n he's so angry on me. He loves me alot n i too love him a lot. Bt now he feels that everything has finished just because i said what i hadn't said in the past four years. Plz help me how to make him realize that i still love him immensely n make him happy again…
Hi,
Please check today's post. I have answered your query in ask womanatics' section. Hope it helps. 🙂
Thanks you so much. I hope everything returns back to normal again
Hello Surabhi, I am a recent reader of your posts .. and admit i love your posts ..
especially this one .. i could completely relate to this post .. because i have been through this situation ..
i was married to an extremely possessive and suspicious husband… i lived an extremely restricted life .. where in i could not meet friends, lift thier phone call, i am working but could not talk to my colleagues .. if i want to go purchase something from the shop .. i cant .. i would give him a list and he would buy things for me .. i could not interact with neighbours … if we go out, he would instruct me constantly on how to sit and not see people around ..he also wanted me to quit my job. he would even restrict me from meeting my own parents and would not like it if they come to visit us. He barely built any rapport with my family and never tried to create any.
before my marriage i was a bubly and happy person .. but in my marriage i became very depressed.. initially it was a good feeling to see him get possesove for me .. but later it became hell for me … whatever you have mentioned i tried those … being patient .. allowing him to speak a lot … he was an introvert .. but would talk a lot to me .. i thought he loves me .. but his love had become suffocating for me ..i even tried talking to his brother and parents .. but slowly it went against me .. with my mother in law preaching me on how to be a virtous wife. that i should live my life according to his wish because am married to him.
by the end of 2 years i had become a defeated person .. i was not able to carry on .. i could not take a counselling because by that time i had lost all hopes and become completely dejected with this marraige .. i did not have any courage to keep listening to his abuses and keep my composure and hope that some day things would be fine ..
in such situations, the problem is that the person who is being possesed like me .. becomes depressed and over a period of time it becomes very difficult for the person to lead even a normal life ..
i took a divorce from him .. today am living indepentely and trying to move on with life .. life is much more peaceful now .. i am a free person … but the fact that i had to go through such a horrible episode in my life brings tears into my eye .. for no fault of mine .. i suffered and my parents are suffering seeing me living alone .. they want me to remarry .. i am not sure if i have it in me to go through marriage again. can you give me some advise?
Hi Dear,
First, sorry for the late reply. I had been very busy lately and thus missed your comment.
I think it was quite strong, wise and confident of you to take a divorce and leave him. Many women continue to live in rut. You did the right thing by leaving him. I understand many a times we go through harrowing times for nor fault of ours but this is life. Do not torture yourself further by thinking about the past. What happened has happened. You should be glad that it is now over, finally.
About re-marriage, I think you should give it a try but not because you need a man but because not every man is bad and marriage is a beautiful thing. Take your time. I dont want you to rush into things just for the heck of it. Focus on other happy things and close relationships of your life. In the meantime, when you find someone who understands you and who deserves your love, then go ahead. Get married but before that, don't forget to fall in love with yourself!
Hope to see you again on Womanatics.
Thanks Surabhi for your kind words.. Hope you are doing fine. I have taken up some long lost hobbies that make me happy ..i did read your reply earlier but replying late because It gave me so many things to think about. Like "Many women continue to live in rut" – so true, we live in a rut, because we get adjusted to situations people, we are like water, we just take the shape of the vessel we are poured into. If its a rut we just adjust ourselves to live in that rut. Sometimes unknowingly. For eg, once when i was visiting my parents, me and my brother went to a shop to purchase some grocery, I asked my brother to go get it, while he asked me to go buy because he was on the bike. I gave him a surprised look and said – how can i go and buy the grocery – he gave me surprised expression and said why not. – At that moment I realized how much I have changed. Slowly I had changed my behavior to fit into my husband's idea. Social pressure to remain married, our feeling for our parents, our own fears, everything plays on us and we just keep adjusting thinking someday he would change, that day never comes and we end up becoming someone else. Living in a rut is difficult but probably easier than separation because separation means going against all of the above.
I have a lot things in mind and I would like to write to you for advise.
Please feel free to send an email. You can find my contact details on the contact page. We can talk in detail then. 🙂 Looking forward to reading your email. 🙂
Hi I m newly married girl. It's been 2 month only.i m well educated girl. I got married with very conservative guy. I don't know what his problem but he keeps eye on me every tine.he try to put me down every time.he controlled my life. He stopped my study. He doesn't allow me to talk any guy's. He won't allow me to talk to neighbours. He won't allow me to go on terrace. He missbehaved with my parents.he wants me always around him. He check my phone.on top off that he abuse me and always blame me for character. I m doing everything what he wants. Some time I feel he only show love when he wants to sex. He yell on me if I do anything wrong. Some time I feel he loves me a lot but his suspicion and over possessive nature. It's only 2 month of our married. I m confused what to do. I know he will not change his nature. Some time I feel to live him. I know he wants me very badly but I can't tolerate with his nature. I don't know what to do should I live him on stay with him.
Hi Dear .. I am really sorry to read your post. My heart feels for you because I went through the same episode as you .. I am the same lady who has replied to this post on Feb 16 2014 and Mar 29 2014. A few queries I have :-
1) You mentioned that sometime you feel that he loves you only when he wants to have sex. My question is has he done anything caring or affectionate for you? I am not referring to spending money you. But anything caring like taking care of you when you are sick, getting to know you through your friends, you said he misbehaved with your parents but has there been any good times that he spent with your family? does he introduce you to his friends and their wives?
2) How is his nature in general to other people? For eg: His own parents, his siblingscousines, his friends .. is he affectionate and caring towards them? Have you seen him being respectful with elders (not your parents)?
3) How is his relationship with his mother? is that of a one way take relationship where the mother does everything for the son like cookingcleaningwashing clothesspoiling himand hiding his mistakes.
4) Does he fake? For eg: being very nice in front of other people and talking badly about those people the moment they are out of sight. Or behaving very gentlemanishly with you in front of people and abusing when alone?
Since its been only 2 months of your marriage its very difficult to take any decision at this stage.
You need to first judge if he is a good person if its really worth staying with him remember you have to spend your entire life with him and it cannot be this way.
Before it gets worse .. put your foot down and tell him very strongly that you are unhappy in this marriage and he is not understanding your feelings. Talk to his family about his behaviour and be very promt in reporting any trouble he creates for you. Your in laws if good may talk to him and make him understand or may blame you either way .. they must be aware of thier son's behaviour.
You will have to follow the instructions that surabhi has given in her post for sometime. Yes, counselling is a good option.
Make yourself strong, be practical and try everything before you leave, things may or may not change but you have to give your 100% efforts, so that you are free from regrets.
Wish you all the best
Hi Surabhi, My sister has been going through this same situation for almost 8 years now except with 3 children (3, 6 and 8). Before marriage, she was a strong independent woman that didn't let people step on her. It hurts me to see my sister life a life where she is not allowed to see her friends from the same sex, or even go out with her sister to the spa. In her own words, she feels like he treats her like his teenage daughter rather than his wife. He's never been physically abusive but definitely verbally. She has no internet, no computer, he looks at her phone constantly. She works full time but when she spends on her self he makes a big story out of it. She even has to ask permission to go see the doctor. There is so much more, and all things that have been mentioned in previous posts. In the past few days thing got worse. He called onto my parents to try to put some sense into my sister accusing her of sleeping with another man (a childhood friend) because she's been in contact with him. He wants her to admit something she hasn't done.
We do not like get in the middle of it all and try to stay objective and hear both sides but i'm afraid of giving the bad advice. I truly believe she need to leave him to regain any sign of life in her. She is afraid of him taking the kids away and frankly the though has cross my mind too. I think he's not a bad person, you can see he loves his children, but has to be a little mentally unstable.
I don't know how to help her…
Hi, I do understand how you feel about your sister. It is a different situation when you are an outsider as you can not take an action. You can only advise the other person.
I would write to you in detail on the blog in Ask Womanatics section.
Looking forward to reading it.
Thanks
Hi surbhi,
My husband has all symptoms you said.I will not shout on suspicious behaviour but what to do for rest. And he always want my pay. His anger is much and got annoyed soon. He even not allow me to talk my parents. Tell me solution.
Hi,
Please email me in detail. I'll surely answer (in detail).. 🙂
Hi Surabhi
My husband lives away from me. He loves me a lot that I an sure of. He is very caring, kind, genuine person. Since my job demands talking and interacting with other guys, he becomes very restless. He calls me and texts me continuously. As he doesn't stat with me he will not know I am with someone else until I tell him but I do not feel like lying yo him. I tell him about everyone I meet, every work I do, everything I wear. I send me pictures of me dressed up daily. I myself do not like going out with guys late night or going to them for clubbing etc. I only meet my colleagues and friends if I need some help or to get some work done. He wants yo know everything and when I say everything literally everything. Sometimes I simply forget cause I am always busy and occupied. He doesn't shout and all but we do regularly fight and I feel so low when I fight with him. A mere mention of other guy's name and he gets agitated. Pls help me.
I think he is getting over possessive because he gets to spend very less time with you. You should try to talk to him more on phone, keep him updated on your life's happenings.. plan to meet him often and finally make him feel loved. Will write about it in detail on the blog. 🙂
Hi sorry for late reply. .still situation is same i came back home in month of July to take some time and think about the situation. This guy abused me he told my parents tO e away. While coming back I told him that I am going for few days. I'll be back but he warn me if I go with parents he will not allow me to come back.he created rumours with his friends and family that I m character less girl and I was pregnant before marriage. Even I m not pregnant. I came back home after that there was no contact between us.but his parents use to come at my home. Their family wants me to come back. His family even my family also want me to go back. They want me to leave happy married life.they are righr at there place. But I m not comfortable. In diwali I m going to my in laws place. I think my husband is also coming. It's been 3 month that I am not with him but still he is not realize his fault.he thinks that he is right at his place because he is a man and I have to live according to him.my in laws and family think that I have to try to change him. But I know he will not change ever.
1- I spent time only for 3 month.he misbehaved with my brother on the day of marriage coz of dowry. When first time my parents come after marriage he was nice with them.but yes he was throwing attitude.but after that he messaged my father that come and take me away. When my parents come he talks all nonsense stuff.like why my parents allow me to study and live in hostel.y I have been to andman and necobar before marriage. What ever personal things I had shared with him he told every thing to my parents. Even he told my parents that I m not getting my period. He showed love at starting to known all secret stuff of my life.what I feel.
2-he doesn't respect his parents. He abuse his mother and father if they oppose his any decision. He told his mother to leave his home because he is earning and his mother opposed him on some things. He doesn't have good relations with his brother even they had fight also in front of me.he doesn't talk with his sister. He has no friends. He has one sis with her his relationship is good. What I feel his sister always fallow him.means if say night for his sister its also night. She never tell him right or wrong. He has on Friends he also always follow him as a god.
2
3- he has no good relation with his mother.
4-yes in front of others he behave very nicely. As if he is the perfect man in this world. If u meet him first time u will feel that he is one of the nice guy in this world.
Please help me out.i dont know what to do.now i dont love him not even trust him.
My husband is very calm and gentle person he is very kind person , he is social worker , he does it full time so in a month he out of city 15-20 days .
2 years before one woman from husband work she left her husband because he was drinker and bit her always and suspect on her , she have 6 years old son , I felt sympathy for her and told her to come our home for some time she came and stay at our home for 8-9 months in those days she is very friendly and with me and shows that she is loved me so much and she kept the photo in her purse me and my hubby saying that you people are very gr8 , I respect you both too much
, slowly I feel like she is always try to go with my husband for her office and come with him and she is not at all caring for me and my work but only for my husband .
I ask my husband to tell her to go her native place and start work their , he does the that but he told me that she is very good understanding person and she can do the good job for woman and in social work so we can ask her to work where I am working , that woman leave our city home and went to our native place and been their for 6-7 months .
In some days I found that woman behavior totally change with me she talks rudely with me not respecting me and observe that in one seminar she is looking at my husband only .she is very attention /sympathy seeking .
after some time I become more possessive and asking my husband tell to her that she go to her hometown and work there , but he cant did that he said that to telling someone go from here because my wife is not like you it will be very bad impact on our social work .
I at last I told to that woman and ask her to do not work where my husband is working just those word only not more then one word after that I just request her to do that , then she replied very rudely , like who are you to ask me like this why should I do as you say , she scold me very badly even I won't pick her phone she messaged me that she felt very insulting to work with your husband .
and on the same day she scold my husband also , he called me asked what was I told her , I told him everything what happened . He said , u only says this much and why she is scolding me like this … but what she scold him he doesn't told me .
Same day evening time she message me , that person (my husband ) support me in my life and he does so many things in my life he gave me courage to be live and fight in life and I scold him very badly ….. I shame on myself and I am crying ext .
But she doesn't felt anything for me .
one day I checked my hubby phone to just check whether she message to husband in any bad manner …
but I shocked when I saw her message , she text that I thought u both are so happy couple but u r life is full of dark , I know when any one is showing UN trust on us I bear this from last 6 years , I can feel your sorrow, be courageous ,ext ext
after that she continue working with my husband ,but our marital life is so disturb and hubby is not talking with me in detail also just for formalities and not sharing anything about his work .
But for my husband behavior, I am responsible , I tonting him scold him because of her , I know my husband is very nice and so much love to me , whatever his behavior is responds of my talking .
what can I do I could not understand , I know that woman is very shrewd and culprit she always trying to seeking sympathy of my husband and also trying to spoiled our relation.
I love my husband very much but I harassing him some time in once in 1 or 2 months but it affects for long time we relax and again I talk some thing
I am trying to forget all this things and forgive her but could not possible yet .
what to do please help me .
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Sneha, will answer it in detail in Ask Womanatics section.
Hi.plz send me your email id…I would like to discuss in detail about alot of my marital problems.most resulting because of living in a joint family.thanks.
You can send me email at womanatics-@-gmail.com
Hi
I am from chennai.i had problem with my wife. Everytime she used to say not to talk to my mother but her mother came she talk well this make me so irritation and feel why i should not talk to her. i am feeling so depressed. How to handle this
Hello, I was browsing for information on how to deal with my current situation, when I came across your bit. I have been married for 12 years, together a bit longer, and it suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks a few months back…I am in a controlled relationship! How did this happen? How did I not see this from the start? I haven't spoken to the majority of my family for about as long as I have been married. I have recently moved with he and our two children, and have no one but him, and his family (who are not local) to talk to. I have a good job that I love, and he despises that fact, yet I met him doing this work, have make some work "friends", but I am not ever going anywhere with them because that would be without him. If anyone at work says anything about me, a compliment, even my boss, it is like someone killed the cat, and the rest of the night is shot, with me feeling like I have done something wrong. If we go to a party, and I am not glued to his side, I hear about the fact that I was with everybody else but him, even if he is the one who got up to play pool or something because I should have followed? If I am on my phone, it is always what are you doing, who are you texting, and usually I am just going through photos of our children, or downloading music, or facebook. Ahh facebook, I now no longer have an account because I posted a photo of myself, and people commented on it…I am forever telling this man how beautiful he is, how much I love him, I do everything in our home as well as lay out his clothes for work, etc. We used to sit and play cards, and talk, and now, I am just to the point to where I feel like a prisoner in my own home…he spends money like crazy when we should be putting it away, and it seems as if he just doesn't care when I say something, or I get the smart remarks, the fork tongue, and a fight that I am just tired of fighting. I love him so much, and I don't want this to end it would devastate our kids, but I am not who I used to be, who he supposedly fell in love with. If I question anything it is a guilt trip, my fault, or he gets angry and throws it in my face for days. So, what to do??
Hello, I was browsing for information on how to deal with my current situation, when I came across your bit. I have been married for 12 years, together a bit longer, and it suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks a few months back…I am in a controlled relationship! How did this happen? How did I not see this from the start? I haven't spoken to the majority of my family for about as long as I have been married. I have recently moved with he and our two children, and have no one but him, and his family (who are not local) to talk to. I have a good job that I love, and he despises that fact, yet I met him doing this work, have make some work "friends", but I am not ever going anywhere with them because that would be without him. If anyone at work says anything about me, a compliment, even my boss, it is like someone killed the cat, and the rest of the night is shot, with me feeling like I have done something wrong. If we go to a party, and I am not glued to his side, I hear about the fact that I was with everybody else but him, even if he is the one who got up to play pool or something because I should have followed? If I am on my phone, it is always what are you doing, who are you texting, and usually I am just going through photos of our children, or downloading music, or facebook. Ahh facebook, I now no longer have an account because I posted a photo of myself, and people commented on it…I am forever telling this man how beautiful he is, how much I love him, I do everything in our home as well as lay out his clothes for work, etc. We used to sit and play cards, and talk, and now, I am just to the point to where I feel like a prisoner in my own home…he spends money like crazy when we should be putting it away, and it seems as if he just doesn't care when I say something, or I get the smart remarks, the fork tongue, and a fight that I am just tired of fighting. I love him so much, and I don't want this to end it would devastate our kids, but I am not who I used to be, who he supposedly fell in love with. If I question anything it is a guilt trip, my fault, or he gets angry and throws it in my face for days. So, what to do??
Hi mam my hubby is too possessive towards me i tried all the things you have given .during the conversation i can find the difference soon the same story continues what to do
Hi surabhi
Thanks to you n all here for sharing their experiences as they are helping everyone in here.
I am a mother of a six year old. I have an inter-caste marriage which actually happened in some very strange situations. Before marriage, I was in a relationship wid a guy who even used to be a friend of my husband. Through that guy, we get to know each other. But that guy left me because of his family. I was totally broke down at that time. But his friend (ie my hubby now) gave me a good support in that situation. He was very good friend of mine n was very well behaved n caring. After few years, he proposed me for marriage. N as I had decided to get to marry wid a guy wid whom I can share my feelings, my good my bad, n mainly I was reluctant to marry wid any guy to whom I would have had to lie from the beginning of that relationship. After my hubby's proposal, I thought on all aspects of these things. N even cleared everything wid my hubby as well. N he took it in a very positive way which I liked very much. Wid our parents permission, we got engaged. After this, I get to see his over possessive nature. He used to fight wid me on not picking up call or not calling him in between my lunch time. Not calling his mother daily. These all things made me that time to rethink but still I left that thinking behind coz accepting me was a big deal for me at that time n his generosity made me to start to love him n so I started to think positively towards his over possessiveness.
After our marriage, things started to change a lot. He used to scold me on being my phone busy. If talking wid my friends over the phone. As he has very Orthodox family n I needed to change n accept a lot. Still I did all that. But even after so many years , he is same. At times, he behaves so good n nice to me that i forget everything n the other day he is someone different. N mainly, he doesn't even care to ask me once if he finds me crying or sad. That thing hurts a lot. Now m tired of his such behavior. He says he loves me a lot but he doesnt give me my space. Doubts on me. Checks my phone. Ll ask many questions on talking over the pH. This all started to affect me n my child now . I feel like suffocated at times as m a talkative person n he is very much introvert. And all these making me more n more frustrated now a days. I really don't understand how to deal wid this as m loosing my patience n became more annoyed. Don't know how people will take all this. But what I had gone through won't be able to explain. There are always two sides for any story. One that my friend thinks thay he accepted me in thàt situation, so i should feel greatful for him n accept as he is n other is my side that I very well understand he accepted me in that situation. But I never forced him to do that. I never cheated on him after that. I tried my hard to be his good wife n a good mother in all these years.. I have changed myself a lot for him. But now m not able to deal as even after doing so much if he feels so, what shall I do? Sometimes I feel like give up, but then think about my child…please help me with this. Thank you
My husband is in police department.and I am till now a student.I am over possisive about him.we are living 5 years together.1 year ago we got married.that was love marriage.we loves each other too much.but recently I noticed that he can't tolerate my possisive-ness.I am feeling very helpless.I always feels like unsecured.plz help me by your suggestions. I don't want to lose him.I love him so much.my attitudes make a distance between out relationship.plz help me Di.
Hi surabhi..i have boyfriend whom m going to marry. He is too posessive. He sometimes misbehaved me. He give me too much restriction..i always tried to make him happy. I tolerate evrything. Now he ignoring me. He talking with some girls who are not his friends but he flirt with them. We have been in living relation since 6 month. Nw he is no more with me. He wants to stay separately. He dont intrust mr. He scold me in slang words but i could not do anything..I love him more than m life. I dont want to loose him. i m totally dipressed. Plz. Give me solution.
Dear Moina, what suggestion can I give you? You read your comment as someone else and you would know the answer yourself. He doesn’t want to be with you; he doesn’t trust you; he abuses you; he is too controlling in nature and you still want to be with him? Why?
Dear saurabhi,
I red your post. I can really relate to it. Though you have written it from a female point of view but I can relate because it’s mostly happening same with me. But I am not sure if that is my fault or my wife’s.
We have a love marriage. My wife’s name is sonali. We were in same class in college. But in college time I was with some other girl called arpita. Arpita was not of very sound character. She had 2-3 boyfriends when we were in relationship. It was more of a physical relationship. It was the first time that I had a physical relationship with any girl. It lasted for 7 months.
In this 7 months period sonali and me used to just look at each other. We hardly talked to each other. But yes we both realized that there is some bonding between both of us. Sonali knew that I was in relationship with arpita,but she didn’t know that it’s more of a physical relationship.
After that 7 months I came back home and started looking for a job. As I was away from arpita, she started relation with some other men. And I came to know about it. When I asked her about all this, she left me.
I was broken. I just started chatting with sonali as a friend. And I shared all information about arpita and my relationship.
I told her how I am feeling used by arpita.
Sonali consoled me and helped me to get out of it. By that time, I sensed this thing that sonali have some special feelings for me.
We were in different cities and only used to talk on phone (that was 2009 when what’s app and all were not there). So after taking to her for some months, even I started feeling for her and proposed her my love.
She got very happy. Then she told me how she used to feel in college for me. And even when I came back, she was continuesly waiting for me. She told me how deeply she loves me. I was very happy with her.
6 months we used to just talk to each other. And were very happy. By that time I also got job and I was working.
But after 6 months. I DON’T KNOW WHY I started praising arpita (my ex girlfriend) I front of sonali. I really don’t know why I did it may be I wanted something physical to happen between both of us. Probably that’s why I used to say to sonali “I liked arpita so much” so that she can come physically close to me as arpita was.
But this had adverse effects on sonali. She didn’t say anything to me. But it was hurting her. And this continued for 1 year. And I was in the impression that OK it hurts her but this way she can come close to me.
But this created an inferiority feeling in sonali. As soon as I realized this fact. I told her every reality that how I feel for her and not for arpita.
But in this 1 year period, she got too much hurt by all this. Since then it has been 7 years in total.
4 years I tried to explain it to her on phone.but she didn’t trust me.
We got married and it’s been more than 3 years of our marriage. I am still try to make her understand that I did not love arpita.
She says she believes the fact that I only love her (sonali). But she can’t tollerate the fact that I was with arpita when she was there in the same class .
Since 7 years I’m trying to make her understand that it was past. And now I’m married to you and I’m not interested in any other girl. I’m not in touch with any of my friends (female as well as male friends) because she doesn’t like if I meet anyone.
I can’t receive any female customer’s phone because she don’t trust me.
After our marriage, she asked me to unfriend all females from my friends list on each and every social network. Which I did. Then she asked me to uninstall every social networking application from my phone, and I did.
She takes care of me. But whenever she recalls arpita, she abuses me. Even hit me at times. I don’t say anything because it’s my fault. She say she’s so possessive for me that she can’t bare the fact that that all happened between arpita and me.
It has been 3 years of our marriage but we have not been physical because she says she don’t feel for me. And it’s because of arpita’s incidence she have lost all feelings for me. I can’t force her to get physical with me. I can’t meet people. I can’t share anything with anyone.
I really don’t know what to do.
Please help.
Surbhi , im in a relationship since 1 n half year my boyfriend is extremely possesive about me he love me he cares for me but he doesn’t have faith trust in me n thats the reason he feels possessive .. because of this i m feeling very depressing . I love him alot n i dobt want to leave him i want to try all possible chances to get him out of it.he always keep watch on me he cut off me from my frnds he doesn’t like if i get social or i talk to any guy. I oftned get angry on him i dont know how to behave with him how to make him feel that i truly love him n i m only his i will be with him every time
Thanks for your advice. I will surely try these things .. hopefully this will work for me. . 🙂