Hi Surabhi,
How do I find the right life partner?
The answer to the question of ‘how to find the right partner’ is not only complicated but also partially elusive. I doubt if anyone can give you a clear and concise answer because I doubt if such an answer exists.
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Our Indian society functions in a set pattern. Grihastha Ashram begins at the age of 24! Hence, as per Hinduism, one should ideally get married by the age of 24. So you see where the pressure actually originates from?
But just because you are 28 and your parents are pressing you for marriage doesn’t mean that you should settle down with just anybody who has got a good job, fine education and a well reputed family, even though the traits that I mentioned are the first basic things parents look for in a match and these three, arguably, are one of the best indicators of a good match.
Finding a right life partner is, in my humble opinion, the most important decision one make in his or her lifetime. I do not intend to say that marriage is the ultimate goal of one’s life and that marriage is ‘all’ in a person’s life.
What I propose to say is that marriage is an important component of one’s life. Ofcourse, your life doesn’t end at marriage and nor your marriage is the only most important thing but there is no denying to the fact that marriage is important.
Marriage is very important. And that makes the choice of a life partner very important too!
“A good or right life partner can do wonders to your personality, to your dreams and to your aspirations. While a bad life partner can completely ruin you.”
You may opt for a divorce if you end up with a wrong spouse but a divorce isn’t the perfect solution. It is just a little way out. It helps you in getting away from the person but the emotional and mental scars that a wrong life partner gives stay on for long like stubborn stains.
I am saying this to agree to your point that yes! getting a right life partner is indeed very important.
The question still remains the same – how do we find the right life partner?
In my opinion, the best way to approach this situation is by following the reverse path.
Instead of going by ‘what I want in my partner’, go by ‘what I am sure I do not want in my partner’.
This helps in filtering out the proposals that you are sure won’t work for you.
For example, I was certain I didn’t want to be with a man who treated deprived people un-empathetically and without kindness. During a conversation with a proposal, I asked him if he had ever indulged in a physical fight with anyone. He replied that his friend and he had once slapped an auto wallah for rash driving while these two were on a bike. That incident and I knew he wasn’t the one for me.
We all want an understanding and honest partner. That is a universal truth. But what is it that you are sure you won’t be able to tolerate? Cheating? Unhygienic? Alcoholic? Find these out and filter the proposals.
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Once you are convinced he isn’t any of what you sincerely can’t stand, move on to the positive features.
Find out if he is a secured person in himself. Insecurity of any kinds can wreck any relationship.
Look for a person who is simple. Simplicity is the biggest virtue, I believe. Simple people are not complicated. They are easy to deal with.
The right life partner will help you grow as a person. He/she will take pride in your accomplishments. He/she isn’t jealous or over possessive. A good life partner is a good friend who may not be the best out there or the smartest or the most attractive but he works well with your flaws.
Finally, the definition and parameters of a good life partner differ from person to person. My preferences are different than yours. Once you know what you do not want, know what you truly want.
Focus more on the character and less on the superficial aspects like salary, designation and dressing style.
At the same time, do not completely ignore the financial details. I see lot of families falling apart over the issues of money. If you are used to a luxurious life style and can’t adapt to economic way, find a rich man or arranged your finances beforehand.
If you are like me, who is stimulated by intelligent conversation, watch out for a well-read man and not for a highly educated man. There is a great difference in being well-read and educated.
Looks or appearance has never been important to me. I wanted a presentable partner but that was all about the looks. I know people who want an attractive partner. If you are one of them, do not settle for average looks now and seek beauty outside later. Find an attractive partner.
Finally, right life partner can not be described in absolute terms. What is right for me may be worse for you!
Explore as per your wishes and desires.
“Remember getting a good life partner does not guarantee a good married life. A marriage requires much more than two good people. It requires commitment, honesty, mutual respect and a willingness to make it work.”
But a right life partner is the first step towards a happy married life.
All the best.
If you enjoyed reading this, please share it and spread the little wisdom.
Surabhi di, I find your answer too great..!!
hi, i have turned 28 in april and going through the same. at times it get really difficult when my parents and relative think that this is the right match but i think otherwise.
Awww Surabhi last sentence stole my heart.. I always feel happy and touched after reading ur answers. I am learning a lot about life and life partner 😉 from U
Thank you Manisha 🙂
Hey Anu.. the phase shall pass soon. and thank for writing in. 🙂
Hey Shilpa.. I need your help in SEO.. please send me an email. 🙂 and thank you sooooo much.
A zillion thanks for this beautiful piece of writing depicted in a masterly art.Yes my parents also think this match is the best for you but i do not seem to like it.See in bengal (liberalism exits) i have seen my cousin sisters get married at 27, 28 , 29 through love marriage of course.The point is that my mother is loosing all patience
Hi Surabhi. You have given such a mature and sensible advice. I am going through the same phase. Only thing is…its the other way round. I get rejected by so called well educated because the organization I work for is not well known (like TCS, Infosys, etc.) and they do not have offices in any other city outside my hometown. Even though I was quite happy with my job, I was forced to find a job in a well known MNC. I decided to give in because my mother is loosing patience too and I understand she's worried about me too. Sometimes we give too much importance to superficial things rather than the person himself. Thanks Surabhi helping me (and I'm sure many others) get through this.
-A
hi Surabi,
its a great blog i liked it very much.
i have been reading it from many days.I am also going through same situation but i am 25.my parents also have selected a guy and U know i am not able to accept him since his face is not attracting me. i dont want a attractive person but however he is, he should attract me.my parents are happy because he has a govt job and my parents say that in our community there are not much guys who r in good job and well settled. and you kno by seeing i feel he is not jovial types and me i am a very happy person,jolly types always floating . after so much of discussions i agreed to meet him once again. still in a confusing situation .because of all these tensions i could not study for my bank exam. Tell me surabi did ur husband attract u when u saw him first. did u also feel ur husband as a serious types. What a bad situations we girls ve to go through. Anyways it is going to give a lesson to us.
A,
Any woman who ever stands up for her right and tries to go against the system has to go through this as well. Our society does not accept changes easily. I also know how it feels when we have to give up our things to adjust to others' way. But in marriage, this gets even out. A good partner is worth all of it 🙂
Hi,
Thanks for writing in. The biggest pressures of life come from our family.Same is the case here. Just ask your mum whats more important for her – your happiness or your marriage? 😉
Hi Divya..
Thanks for the nice words and I am very glad you wrote to me. Hope to see you more often. I can understand your situation. And it is very important for two people to find each other attractive in order to have a happy married life. Think about it.. but if you still don't find him attractive, then maybe you need to convey it to your parents.
My case… hihihi.. it was a ulta pulta story. I had not seen my hubby, not even his pictures before the engagement. One day I decided to do a Google search by his name. His is a common name so it took me hours to find him.. and when I found his pic on the net, I was highly disappinted. He looked like a nerd 😀 I immediately closed the browser and later I wanted to see his pic again but I had forgotten which site it was.. and I didnt want to go through that googling pain again. So, I left it on my kismat and on my dad's assurance that he was good looking. Also, I was falling in love with him over the phone.
When I met him first, at the first glance,.. he was okay but in just few hours.. I realized that he looked very good and I was in completely in love with him 🙂 In my case.. his face didnt play a role at all.. I was already head over heels with his qualities, his personality and his honesty and simplicity.
But I know looks are very important. I was lucky that he was as per my expectations. But if you are not happy wth your proposal's looks… think about it before committing.
thank you surabi… 🙂
People always think of many attributes while looking for a guy/girl. They do lot of search and feel that their search has ended once they get married. But the actual life starts from the day of the marriage. The new life begins from that point.
As Surabhi di said, a good life partner (with all good attributes) doesn't guarentee a good married life. It depends on how both of them will be together daily to make it work !!
Regards
Sandhya