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Enrich Your Relationships

How To Let Go Of Toxic Relationships

December 19, 2011 by Surabhi 10 Comments

Few days ago a friend posted the following status message:

“Keep people in your life who truly love you, motivate you, encourage you, enhance you, and make you happy. If you know people who do none of these things, let them go..”
I read it and wondered how true it was yet so difficult to follow. We mostly know who such people are who drain us out but we still hold on to them. Poor heart does not know how to let people go and be on its own.

Why is it so difficult to let go of something or more importantly someone?

I think there are multiple reasons for holding on to people who hurt us continuously but we still cling to them.

The biggest reason is that we become too hopeful about these people.

1. We get too hopeful about others. We constantly hope that would change their attitude towards us; they would love us more in future or their behavior in general would improve

2. We expect situations to change with time without doing anything to change them.

While it is lovely to be optimistic and hopeful about people and life in general, it is disastrous to hold onto some thing negative hoping it to become positive in sometime.

Problem comes when we are not sure of when to let others go. We keep dwindling between ‘its okay’ and ‘this shouldn’t have happened’. We keep waiting for the last string to break and by then we are completely drained.

How to find out if you should hold on or let go

The first sign to tell you that it is high time you let it go is that things have not changed or improved over the last few months.

When do you throw an expensive thing or a thing that had been your favorite? You throw it away when you see it as useless or irreparable. 
Think the same way about your relationship. When do you call the end? The moment you learn that it just can not be repaired.

One may argue what about the cliches that people change; the optimism? The teachings that nothing is impossible and one should never quit?

The answer to these doubts is in one simple word – life!
Your life is not a race. It is not a competition to be won. It is not a exam you take to prove your worth. Your present life is the only number of years you have got to live. To love and to be loved.
Never hold on to anything because you want to prove something or you will always repent later. Also, relationships are delicate. They should never be dealt with ego and pride. There is no harm in trying. And winning is always good. But win your life. Win yourself. Win happiness and love for yourself. Do not try to win a person. It is wrong and certainly not worth the time and emotions you spend on it.
Life coach Cheryl Richardson describes six types of toxic qualities in people:
Blamer  (keeps complaining)
Drainer (always needs you and contacts you only when he needs you)
Shamer (keeps criticising you)
Discounter (discounts or challenges everything you say)
Gossip (keeps talking about others at their back).
If he is any or all of the above, you just get him out of your life, please.
To help you get started with it, just think of these:
·     You can not change someone else: you can not change others. And it is not even good to expect someone else to change for you. So stop expecting them to change. Move on if you are not comfortable.  

   The sooner the better: if it happens later, it will only hurt you more. So, save yourself from the mounting grief and make it happen now. 

     Are you not in love with yourself? Why do you want to settle down with less when you actually can have more and better? Love yourself and choose the best for your life.  
   
    Don’t put your life on hold: every moment that you spend with such a person holds you back from moving onto a greater future. Don’t waste your time in imagining which is not going to happen.  

     Face the reality: being in illusions is not always a bad thing. It does help in many cases. But when your future and entire life time in involved, it is better to be true to yourself and the relationship.

    What kind of future do you want? One of the reasons many people keep holding onto things is that they think about the huge amount of time they have invested in that relationship. Do not think about the time you have spent, instead think about the time you have remaining in your life.
Finally, read the following quote and move on.
“Watching you walk out of my life does not make me bitter or cynical about love. But rather makes me realize that if I wanted so much to be with the wrong person how beautiful it will be when the right one comes along.”

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Filed Under: Love and Relationships

Comments

  1. Stephybabes says

    December 19, 2011 at 4:57 pm

    This is a lovely (and helpful) post…almost made me cry! xx

    Reply
  2. Subhorup Dasgupta says

    December 20, 2011 at 2:04 am

    I am guessing the sixth toxic personality type is fault finder. I counted five types that you listed. Some people only look for faults, and given that you try and include a little something for everyone, that must be why you left that one out.

    Truly empowering post, Surabhi, yet one that should be applied with prudence, in my opinion. We are all made up of all shades. There are, of course, people who are predominantly one or more of the toxic types, but in this age of instant gratification, 100% satisfaction, and zero tolerance, we sometimes miss the woods for the trees. A significant gift of relationships is to accept and share our vulnerability as human beings, and the first steps of a trusting/loving relationship is being able to see beyond the incompleteness of the other person.

    I absolutely agree that if this vulnerability and openness leads to abuse, victimization, and exploitation, that persons needs to go. Period. Loved the closing quote.

    Reply
  3. Subho says

    December 20, 2011 at 2:11 am

    Had dropped in to do a check-this-post-out. Got carried away and forgot. So here it is. How to cope with people and change by yours sincerely.

    Reply
  4. anamika says

    December 20, 2011 at 5:58 am

    A beautifully well written post dear…I have never believed in holding on a relationship no matter how precious it was for me may be that is the reason i am surrounded by all the loved once 🙂

    Also, the one who is yours if you let him or her go if they truly loved you then they will always come back sooner or later 🙂

    Reply
  5. Surabhi Surendra says

    December 21, 2011 at 7:00 pm

    Anamika..

    Yeah! rightly said. Even I don't believe in holding onto relationships.
    And yeah! after reading your comment I realized that I could have used that quotation of yours.. 🙂

    Reply
  6. Surabhi Surendra says

    December 21, 2011 at 7:05 pm

    Subho..

    Three things-

    Your post was sooo good. I particularly liked the idea how people change and the way you wrote it kind of made it easy to understand that change is indeed inevitable. And it happens because WE change.

    Second, I also totally agree with you on what you said about 'we all have shades'. Infact, I didn't deal with that part in my article. Maybe I just didnt think that way. Thanks for bringing that point up.

    Third, thank you sooooo much for taking the time out to read the posts and comment on them. It means a lot!

    Reply
  7. Yolande says

    March 16, 2016 at 8:55 pm

    Sound advice. Those people don't change, no matter how much we want them to.

    Reply
  8. surabhi surendra says

    March 18, 2016 at 8:00 am

    True that!

    Reply
  9. Kyri says

    November 20, 2016 at 1:59 pm

    It is hard to let go of people you have shared good times with.

    Reply
  10. Surabhi says

    November 21, 2016 at 5:33 pm

    Agreed. It is not always possible to move on but in order to have a better present, that is what we should try – to avoid contact with ex.

    Reply

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Surabhi Surendra

Hi!
My name is Surabhi Surendra and I love my name as much as I love myself. I believe it’s good to live. You can read more on About Page. Read More…

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