चिट्ठी ना कोई सन्देश
जाने वो कौन सा देश
जहाँ तुम चले गए
जाने वो कौन सा देश
जहाँ तुम चले गए
|(My Maa in happy times..)|
I miss you, a lot, very lot!
Yesterday, I got the terrible news that my granny is critical. She was absolutely fine couple of days ago, so for a moment I could not believe what I heard.
I called her up immediately but got to know that she was counting her last breaths. She had her eyes closed and was having difficulty in breathing. My heart started pounding very fast and I decided to see her once.
My family members who were with her were not too hopeful about her but I believed she would live on. For me she was eternal and I could not imagine my world without her.
I live in a place that is about 8 hrs drive away from the nearest airport and all the flights from here to Delhi are in the morning. I calculated that the earliest I could reach her would be tomorrow night (which now means tonight). I spoke to my hubby and discussed it with him. He also planned to come with me. We decided to leave immediately.
That unfortunate moment, I thought of calling my grand father, just to let him know that I was coming. I called and he picked up sobbingly. I asked him how is Maa doing and he uttered, ‘She is gone. She left just two mins back’. I dropped the phone and my heart sank. What I went through then or what I am going through now is beyond expression.
I cried out loud. Very loud.
Just the thought that I would not see her again or would not hear her loving voice shudders me.
She was very close to me and I was very close to her. Even though she was in her 80s and I was in my late 20s, we understood each other perfectly well. Every time I went home for holiday or festivals.. she was the first person to come and meet me.
I met her last on July 16th 2011. On that morning, as I was stepping into the car to go to the airport, she hugged me tightly and asked, ‘when will you come next?’ I muttered, ‘sometime next year’. She started crying, ‘Oh my God, next year! I am not even sure if I would be alive by then to see you’. And she burst into tears.
I had never seen her so weak. She was a very strong woman who, while in her 80s, would do each chore all by herself. Even at this age, she could walk for miles or climb stair case and we were extremely proud of her.
Day before yesterday, randomly, I thought about her and visualised how she would play with my daughter when I visit home after 2 months. Suddenly her words came to my mind, ‘dont know if I would be alive to see you’. But I simply shrugged at that thinking she would be there, always.
Next day I got the news. And I realized how strong the power of intuition can be. Of late she had started talking about her end.
Yesterday when I got to know she was gone, I asked her and God ‘couldnt she wait for two more days. Atleast I would have seen her once more.’ I asked didnt she miss me when she was leaving?
I somehow believed that if I had visited her while she was alive, I would have brought her back to life. I thought maybe once she knew I was near her, she would not leave. She would not feel like leaving me and go. But her death reaffirmed the fact that death never waits for anyone. We all are so trivial in front of it. It is so powerful that it can come to anyone, anytime.
I have been missing her immensely since then. And every few minutes, I get a ‘cry-stroke’ missing the happy moments I spent with her.
Though, I am glad for a fact that she died just the way she had wished. She always wanted to die without falling sick. When she was alive she preferred doing all her chores by herself even if she was not well and she said she would do it in her end days as well. She was on bed for a few hours only. Also she died in the same room where she had spent her entire life. She had some unexplained love for that room and she always wished to be there in her last days.
I want to hug her, just once. I want to hold her hands and keep my head in her lap – just once more.
I wish to leave this world and go into her new world, search her and bring her back to life.
I miss you, more than ever. My life is not the same without you. I am feeling you all around me and your voice is resonating in my ears. Come back maa.. please. I need you and I love you.