This is a very common and frequent occurrence. And many a times both the partners feel they do not have space and time for themselves. This is common in all relationships.
Having adequate boundaries without being too reclusive makes a relationship healthy and comfortable. But this is a thin line of balance. Maintaining some distance in a relationship does not mean you are losing out on the emotional connect. It just means you are working for yourself and giving yourself some time to connect with your ‘self’.
Understanding One self
In order to complement our partner’s identity and his uniqueness, we need to first identify our own identity and relate to it at a deeper level.
If you are not aware of your own qualities and what makes you unique, it is difficult to appreciate the same in your partner and engage in an ongoing complimenting relationship.
Connecting with one self is critically important for an individual to truly understand and appreciate oneself and the other. If you are well aware of yours and each other’s capabilities, strengths and weaknesses, you can together embark on a fulfilling relation.
Relationships are composed of individuals
Every relationship is composed of two or more individuals. Each individual has his own identity. If they fuse and work without boundaries that identity seems to dissolve and later can create dissatisfaction.
When I got married I had no qualms in being called as Mrs. Kumar. But slowly I realized that I was losing out on my identity. It was more than a year post marriage and I did not do anything for myself. I quit my job, conceived and was running home. But the creative dud inside me shouted for a let out. That’s when I reached out for my personal space. I took out time for activities that interested me and also took up a voluntary assignment with a NGO. On the other hand my hubby who would otherwise complain of not finding time for reading (his favorite hobby) after coming home from office, started reading while I was busy with my hobbies. And I must say it worked wonders for me, him and my relationship.
To make a relationship work, two individuals need to first work on themselves and feel happy from within. If you are able to do things that interest you the most, only then you can willingly do the things that interest your partner.
Too much closeness can worsen things
Many may not agree with me on this but I feel that too much of closeness can create boredom and monotony.
Ofcourse, this does not mean people should not spend a lot of time together, they should and they must but keeping a little time to just yourself or with others apart from your partner adds to the spark.
When you are too close with one person, you do not find time for others and this may lead to a drift away from them. Consequently, your social circle diminishes and for all kinds of needs, you reach out to only your partner. If he does not have time to be with you then or he may not really understand your state of mind you feel left out and ignored.
Also in cases of too much intimacy there are times when you find routine in everything. There is nothing new, different and exciting. This also leads to dullness in a relationship.
Spending time with friends, family and engaging in a hobby do the trick. And even if you do not have anybody to hang out with or an activity to be engaged in, just sit alone for a while and do nothing. Most importantly enjoy doing this nothing.
Time is never the same
In good times we are always head over heels for your partner. But in bad times its just the opposite. Infact if we do not have anybody or anything else to divert our mind we get depressed.
As a preparation for those times, it is better to ask for some personal space in your relationship.
Meet your friends, watch the movies that you love, read books, go for a stroll or do anything that you enjoy even if your husband doesn’t come along or he hates it. That is what having a space means.
You both love each other. He hates some of the things you like and you dislike some of his hobbies. But still both of you manage to find time for those activities and it does not interfere with your married life. It instead adds to your marriage as you both are one couple yet two individuals.
hmm i guess dis is d issue rite now m facing in my relationship.. tym to give him his space.. very insightful writeup
Tulips..
Everyone needs space in life.. give him the time he needs if he thinks he is being trapped or bored.
I exactly fit into this "When you are too close with one person, you do not find time for others and this may lead to a drift away from them." Time to have a discussion with my guy..!
Good.. go and talk to him.. 🙂
Just last week we had this discussion of personal space. We live in a joint family and find it very hard to find OUR time. we recently moved in with our in laws after relocating to their place. I saw a drastic difference in cutting our personal space. Now sometimes I feel so trapped. My MIL even helps me in doing things, but I feel restless sometimes when they keep on pouring suggestions over my head on every thing I do. Sometimes they can be overbearing. Wherever we go, we ask them to join us just to be polite, and they follow us. We hardly get any couple time. Could U please write an article on joint families and how to work around it and get time for oneself without feeling suffocated.
Hi Dear,
I can totally understand your situation and it is a usual scene in joint families. Thanks for giving me an idea about a post. I will soon write something on this subject.
Thanks for writing. 🙂
So true. Marriage is two whole people coming together and making a couple, not two half people coming together and making a whole person. No one person can or will ever fulfill anyones needs. Everyone needs creative and healthy outlets to become a vibrant and interesting person. Each one also needs a person relationship with Jesus Christ in order to grow spiritually and not be selfish, but to love one another and want the best for each other.
Very right.. we need to develop a relationship with ourselves too to stay selfless and be able to love others in a more selfless way!
Hi There,
My girlfriend moved to Abu Dhabi from our home country two years back for work. Its been four years together. We have had a bumpy two years long distance relationship where we both never gave up on each other. She helped me move into abu dhabi for a job hunt. I got a job waiting on the visa process now. I noticed she has changed completely. The person i met four years back isnt there. She works on shift basis since she is working for an airport. Three day n three nights n three offs. She has three male friends and two girl friends pretty close at work. Now im waiting till she gets a off day so we can spend time together. Cz during work days shes sleeping once she comes home cz her work is tiring. But we do go out and spend time. But some days she plans to go out with her friends the ones i mentioned. They go late like dinner time. She doesnt return till mornings or dawn. I have no trust issue. But when i do ask her and tell her this feels wrong to me. Cz im not used to this format of partner going out that late while the other stays home all alone.
When i try talking she says to let her be herself. Im not married are we! I have heard that couple of times. Back in our home country everytime im off i pick her from work go out for dinner movies something with her. I mostly spent all my two years with her and our friends. Her friends and mine. It was she before. But now shes demanding for space. Is it wrong that my expectations are too far.
From the time i came. I havnt met her whole circle of friends except for one girl. She says shes not comfortable in introducing me to her friends cz she thinks il get moody and pissed.
I dont know if shes trying to say im not good enough to be introduced or something else.
I need your support please.
Im completely exhausted of this feeling. I miss home and my family. Cz in this country besides her i have no one. Not a single soul to whom i could talk to.
Hi, I will answer your query in detail. Please give me sometime.